Sales and electronics

So much for a quiet one. I’d forgotten that I had a makeup test today so it was off across London to the studio and into a trailer where the fabulous Frankee made me look a little neater and shaved me. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, there will always be visible bits of stubble on my face. I’m the one-week-beard guy. An old QC used to try to make me shave at noon in my first job and at the time I thought it was because I was too hairy rather than that the old bastard couldn’t grow a beard himself. Today he’d have applauded me, the jumped up whey face. I went on Amazon and bought something I should’ve got years ago. A top quality rotary shaver that can be used wet or dry. They usually cost a small fortune but January worked its magic and it was £40.

I got home to find something I should’ve thought of ages ago. Outside of a long suffering girlfriend, which I’ve successfully avoided finding for over a decade, I’ve only got longer suffering friends to persuade to dig bits of their anatomy into my shoulder blade. Jack had his fingers in there, Tristan got his knuckles, Tanya got her fist in, and poor tiny Claire was using gravity and her whole body weight to get her elbows stuck in.

Now I’ve got a robot. It’s the future…

I found a Christmas present waiting downstairs. It had been delivered by Hermes, and as part of the service they run it over with a steamroller and then try to persuade the local crackhead to sleep on the box for a night before they actually deliver it. Thankfully it’s pretty robust so the inner package itself was fine, even though the outer box was audibly weeping as it caught sight of itself in the mirror.

It’s a shiatsu massage machine. It’s a terrifying crawling monster.


You inflict it on yourself and then it wanders around on your back hurting you as much as you let it. You control the pressure by pulling on the straps. I’m not sure if it’s self-care or masochism but I let it get right into me today and there were two moments where something went *dink* and my whole arm went tingly. I rushed to the bath afterwards and now I’m letting it rest. I don’t think it’s fully worked out yet, although I’m at peak nurofen so it’s anybody’s guess. I’ll know at my usual wake up time which is about 5am when the drugs wear off and I don’t want any more as my stomach is empty so I writhe around in semi sleep semi rage until it seems reasonable to have a bowl of Tylenol and take two granola or oh shit the other way round oh well…

I’ve got high hopes for this monstrous device. If it helps me clear this trapped shoulder nerve I am tempted to worship it as a deity. I’ll definitely be thanking TnT who impulse bought it for me in the sales.

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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