Back at Meisner and I was caught being a bit glib because honestly I didn’t really want to go there. Not because I can’t but because I can. I go there for my work all the time. Why? I’m being paid. It’s my job. I kinda don’t want to have to practice going there because it’s like taking all the guts out of a fish and being the fish and the fish being a big hairy man full of pain. If you have to put the guts back in the same its gonna be really tricky. You’re gonna spill bits and make a mess. Still, I eventually managed to stop myself skipping over the surface, if for nothing else then for my partner who was a genuinely lovely young man. I’ve got a zip on my guts and I pulled it two teeth down. Yes I’m sure I’ve got loads to learn here. But I spent twenty years dragging those guts behind me as I walked and putting make-up on them and now I can unpack them and repack them as needed but to practice doing it isn’t my favourite reason. Thankfully the woman leading us is, inevitably, really perceptive. She runs a safe room, which is seriously important when acting comes this close to therapy. If it was my room I’d take a bit more time to close the ceremony, just as it’s exposing stuff, tender stuff, painful stuff. All very close to the surface in all of us. We all think we are doing such a great job of pretending to be okay. My favourite technique of hers is to counter “I don’t know” with “What if you did know?”
Fuck it though. So many weird beans in me at the moment. And my job is to puke them on people. Might as well stir them up a bit, make a better stew.
After the workshop I got another Lime Scooter through a fucking hailstorm. How the hell do I always time it so atrociously?! I went up to Hampstead and I was feeling exposed and shaky and really just wanted a beer but I’ve only gone and dumped my A1 coping strategy so I sat disconsolate with a Guinness Zero. Happy with my life choices but not evolved enough in them to go to a pub after Meisner and not desire a hefty punch of mistress forgettyjuice.
We’ve been planning Halloween again. I couldn’t really focus post class. I’ve got a Factory show tomorrow evening and then I’ve got to drive to Brighton. I’m strung out. So I was twitching a lot over the course of the evening. It did turn into a good enough meeting in the end. Thankfully there are three other brilliant people involved at this point and hopefully Jo as a fourth.
And now I’m nearly home and it’s still too cold to be June but apparently the weekend will show up for us. I’ll be in Brighton. Best idea would be to pack tonight. Am I too tired? Nah.
