AlBarclay

Even for a couple of days suddenly it is lovely to be back in what feels like a traditional rehearsal room. The writer and director present. A director! My lord the luxury of it! And we are doing table work on a new script. Examining the shape of it, digging into the purpose of the interactions, the rhythms. Haven’t had a director on the last job, and the last time I did some new writing I remember saying on day one: “I expect L will be looking at that bit before we hit performance,” to get “oh no, she’s already signed off on it now.”

I was actually a little nervous this morning. Messaged Lou going in. Just two days, but essentially a room full of strangers.

I mean … I met the director once some twenty years ago, at The Arcola. Can’t even remember why. I just remember who I was with at the time, and that it was my birthday and we got absolutely cunted and ended up underground at some kebab shop in Dalston with some geezer who was running an illicit dive bar. Obviously that’s not why I was there today.

The producer got me in at short notice on recommendation after they lost someone. They needed someone a bit like me so I can see why I passed muster. I showed up in a jacket with a Rolex and Gucci shoes just to help tease them towards the idea I’m good casting for this part. Because … this is just an R&D at this stage. A little bit of money changing hands but mostly just the opportunity to do our creative thing. But if we can make ourselves fit the part hopefully we can gain traction. Work breeds work etc… And fucking hell I’ve been doing this long enough that I really really wish it was easier to get in the room. But twas ever thus and I’m not by any means the only person wishing it.

For today and tomorrow I’m in the room. I can do the thing. And it is enervating and fun. One woman close to my age and carrying her long CV behind her, whatever that might be. I get the feeling she’s *done* things. Me. A young woman who is surely much better than I ever was at that age, and a sparky young Russian actor. It’s a four hander about many things – people and football and supermarkets and… Well, we are finding that out. It’s a lovely piece of writing. And it’s a powerful thing at this stage to examine it in the way we are. The director really knows this process. He’s so good at it, we can just lean into our craft and hit the ride.

Happy me. And tomorrow we don’t even start at 9 which was my only gripe as my first alarm went off at 5 this morning and I went to bed at ten last night. I won’t be much later to bed tonight frankly, but 6 feels much more like morning, and I can maybe even push it to half past considering I won’t need to shave again and I’m not due in Woolwich until 10. Plus there’s a car park there for a tenner the whole day, which makes it entirely commutable and infinitely preferable to fucking with the tube, Elizabeth line or no.

Today I drove down to the Isle of Grain. There’s a huge site there, vast, and filled with gas containers. Through this site, the bulk of the natural gas that we use in this country comes. They bring it in tankers from the gulf so I imagine things are about to be disrupted, but right now it is business as usual. I sign in and show my passport and go through induction. It is a bright morning.

When they take me across to the little room, they tell me about the nature on site. There are snakes and lizards. “Do you get big mushrooms on these lawns?” “Yes, sometimes.”

Just six adults and I’ve got them for two hours. Probably a bit too much talking here. Death by PowerPoint. These adults are volunteering for Grain, and often their contribution, while welcome, is not particularly helpful when we go with these workshops into classrooms. There’s nothing like an expert to kill the energy in a room full of children. So I was running a workshop for them just to slightly upskill their public speaking, to raise their confidence a bit. It’s pleasant work. The PowerPoint was a bit wordier than I would prefer. When I was on tour I was doing this work with a line of Shakespeare. You can find out a lot about someone by chucking a ball around with them and then getting them to breathe and speak in front of you. I kinda prefer to take the PowerPoint out entirely when dealing with adults. It’s a crutch.

I’ve been learning about gas from them. We still need it as we push towards net zero. These people care about the environment as best they can doing this work. They’re engineers pushing for solutions. I wonder if we’ve globally fucked it too badly now, but… we’ve gotta believe. Haven’t we? Warmest decade on record. Polar ice is going going going. Seas are cooking. Too much co2. None of the big players are behaving like they even slightly care.

Och well. I just had a hot bath with my combi boiler which I drained after soaking so Brian could run one of his own.  We’ve all got plenty of ways we could improve. One thing at a time. For now, workshops on and around net zero. Wouldn’t it be brilliant if we could make that happen. It takes infrastructural change and deeper understanding. I can help with the latter part I guess.

I’m back at home. My bedroom is an apocalypse of clothes at the moment. When I went to America I lied to Maria. Maria used to clean for Christine next door and Christine passed her to me. Back then she named her hourly rate and I said no and named one back that was higher. She helped solve some problems and tried to instigate systems. Some of her systems were useful, others less so. But back then she worked hard and helped, and I helped her write job applications and it was pleasant and mutually beneficial.

When people started to move back in, she started to draw boundaries and gradually she did less and less. She didn’t like Frank. She couldn’t compute him. She’s a Jehovas Witness, very devout, he’s attaching sequins to his coat for a burlesque night. I’m surprised she tolerated me, to be honest, but she wanted the employment and she probably thinks I’m closer to how I present as being.

But … she knows I’m shit at doing my laundry and that was the special power I paid her for for years. With friends in my flat it became blindingly apparent through them that she has been coasting for years. “I was here the whole time she was there. She watched videos, cooked and cleaned after herself and didn’t even hoover.” “But … she needs the work,” I would justify lack of change. And back at the start she did. But now she’s found a live-in with an old lady that needs her silver polished on the daily. She would mostly use her day here to download stuff on WiFi and cook herself dinner. I was told by too many people that she was doing fuck all. “Give me what you’re giving her, I’ll do a much better job,” I also got, because she started raising her price and lowering her hours after a while. We had a blazing row one time after she randomly asked for a lot more money saying she had had a busier week than usual. I paid her, but that was when I properly internalised that I was just a means to an end for her, and she internalised that I wasn’t gonna be fucked for cash again as I gave her such a hard time over it. And frankly that’s when both of us should have moved on, but … I’m sentimental.

I can change my own sheets and wash my own clothes. Did it for decades before I brought her in. So… Yes so eventually I lied to her. I’m sure she saw right through it. But as far as my info to her went, I was basically emigrating to America. So long, farewell, paálam, goodbyie.

So now I’m back from America and I’m gonna have to wash my own clothes. Fuck it. But… with cashflow as bad as it is right now, I’m okay with that work. I just don’t know if I’ve got the time as I’m gonna be needing to earn to stop myself running into a wall.

Peace and quiet by the sea. I think all the service industry servicing left me needing to recharge. This little hotel room, almost entirely dominated by a four poster bed and the trappings of faded opulence – this has been where I’ve charged myself up again like a battery. There’s a pass in Bergman so I can just leave him, and I have. I’ll go move him at 9 tomorrow and get myself back to London but for today I’ve unplugged from everything. I didn’t even check my phone until afternoon.

It transpired that Brian and Maddy had attempted to get a train to this part of the world, but Southern Rail had disgorged them in Arundel. They decided to make the best of it in Arundel, and by the time I discovered their plight I was already committed to a day of absolute idleness.

I wandered down to the bottom of the square, where The Regency served me Spaghetti Napolitana outside in the sunshine. I basked like a lizard. The air is cold but the sun is starting to feel like it’s taking this Spring business seriously. I didn’t get out of town, but found momentarily peaceful places and inhabited them. When I got flooded by too many people I just retreated to this little room.

In my early twenties I occasionally used to go to Paris for the weekend, when the Eurostar was new and you could get £25 return for under 25 year olds. I’d book into a run down hotel like this one, and get some sort of thrill out of it. My temporary home away from home, where I am only on my own schedule. There’s a kettle in here so I could have gone full Pot Noodle, but the spaghetti was only a tenner and it didn’t make the room stink.

I’ve got my Steam Deck with me – haven’t used it for months as too busy – so I enjoyed geeking out by working around how to get a native port of the original Animal Crossing game up and running in time to buy some turnips in the Sunday morning market. I did way too much turnip trading in lockdown when I got swept up in New Horizons. I’ll never have time to do that now, but I can have a bit of nostalgia gaming while I wind down, plus I somehow enjoy the process of messing around with Linux to get things like that up and running. There is a strand of me that runs very deep geek. It’s probably why I was so triggered by “Fatima’s next job could be in cyber”.

A busy and varied week again next week. This life keeps on being bright rich and strange. A day like today once every week or so makes it possible to fly forward full force the rest of the time.

I’m in a hotel room in Regency Square. It was cheap last minute on Booking.com. I’m here in Brighton to take Lou’s car in for MOT and she has a stable catsitter at home at moment. Tessy is fragile and the catsitter is important for Lou’s stability right now when many aspects of her existence are in flux. I would sooner not make any disruption to her existence. So I booked this room. I’m at the back. Were I at the front I’d be able to see this:

This is an evil glowing crow in a top hat that reminds everyone in Brighton about greed.

Right now I think they call it the i360. The bassacred nature of Londoners is partly to blame for it. They put up that stupid millennium wheel and somehow it filled a gap and we kinda loved it and kept it and now it’s the London Eye. So… Brighton council spent all the money on god’s earth (like over 30 million) for this thing to be made by the same lot. Somehow they got away with it once. But honestly, no, not twice, it was never going to work here, never. I expect it wasn’t meant to either – there are many ways of getting public money into private pockets – look at Trump. Locals call it “the cock ring”. It’s a shaft. It sits there doing the evil crow until some idiot pays and then a ring slides up and down the shaft and the people in it see a tiny bit more sea and drink a bit more champagne and congratulate each other. Quod est interius, est sicut exterius. On the inside they masturbate. On the outside they masturbate.

Leads me to wonder what has happened in this hotel room, which has a very old two poster bed. I expect there’s been plenty of all sorts here at this price. There’s not much floor outside the bed. All I need is what I have. I’m here for two nights. Very odd to be in this town without Lou, but even though it is only two hours drive, it is still two hours drive and it feels like I want to justify it rather than just serve needs. So I’m gonna hang out by the seaside.

When I remember how basically I did what I did yesterday every day for a month and a half last summer in Paris it puts into perspective the fact that I really needed to stop today.

I’m match fit for theatre at the moment, in that I’m breathing clearly and I’m listening to my body. That’s how I caught the shoe thing in time to get my trainers couriered to me. But match fit for events is a different thing and my body is surprised after a working day that wasn’t even 20 hours. I remember one night in Paris when I had to just pull the van up and go into a tiny little knocking shop, book a room for a night, collapse on a single bed, wake up four hours later and go into another 20 hour day. I love the challenge of it thankfully. It’s like when the temperature was -20 in South Bend I was enervated by the newness. I love Al vs Environment stuff.

This year the conference was really smooth. The team knows each other now and we can quickly distribute jobs and cover all angles without overlapping or annoying each other. It’s really nice to be part of it. Some are military types, others lifelong event types, the skillsets overlap and come together nicely.

Things outside of our control come from the venue. This venue insisted on their own security and a very expensive man to be a loading bay presence. The loading bay man was an investment, in terms of positive energy and helpfulness. Too much money considering we had it covered, but to his absolute credit he read the situation and understood that we had it covered anyway, and responded by upping his game and making himself really useful to justify the amount he was getting. I credit him highly.

Security were generally great but there was one guy who absolutely couldn’t take orders from a woman, so he spent most of the evening subverting and patronising Shimmy. People like him contributed to the first Trump term. He didn’t do it openly, just when he thought he could get away with it. He tried to recruit me at one point after she left. “Does she tell you all how to suck eggs like that?” he asked after she asked him to try and do his job better. “Do you have any idea how much she’s carrying on this job?” I asked him. “Just do what she asks, she’s not asking you randomly ” and he knew he couldn’t play manboy with me. She’s fucking great at her job. He’s a little sad douche. If she tells me to do something I know she needs it done and even if it seems logically complicated it’s likely because she’s managing someone up the chain. I’ll just do it. We all know how it works, and we shouldn’t need to have it explained. I can flash back to various deserts: “Make the lines of posts in the desert exactly perfect and evenly spaced because JT is a posh boy who is OCD to fuckery and has no perspective on anything outside his own crap.” Logic is only an accessory in events. You also have to manage the clients / the people up the chain, and everyone has their own completely different structure of what is important. I look for practicality and immediacy and solutions but I’ve learnt that many people need to have the process laid out before they can trust a solution. Society is difficult. An event or a show is society in microcosm, and compromise and open communication makes for smoother running across the board. She busted me bringing my car on site late last night. “It would have been fine if you hadn’t noticed,” I tried. “No, Al, the plat is already too crowded.” I looked with her eyes, agreed with her, and took him back off site.

But … I’m tired out and just in my head today. I took home an open bottle of lovely red wine. It had to be finished tonight you see? The cork had been popped. Thankfully Maddy is home too.

They’ve roped Ffion into Voice of God for the conference. Right now they are all practicing the presentations etc. Power Point and speakers and musical intro outro etc. I’m in my comfy trainers and it feels like a whole new footworld. That said it’s still only eleven o’clock. It’s been quiet enough that I could go on a coffee run. Just helped the Monkey Shoulder guy build his stand, just in time. Now it’s about making sure the table wine is cold enough and considering I slung 40 bags of ice into the freezer yesterday I think that can be achieved.

Guinness just got sent seven full barrels. Often there’s no exit strategy and I can’t imagine they’ll all go in the few hours we have with all the other choices, despite the fact it was Paddy’s day yesterday. Hannah is running around the stage upstairs while I’m mostly desnagging suppliers. It’s nice to think there are good friends who are known and used by these guys now, some of them more frequently than I am these days. We have to look after one another as we work our way through this shitstorm.

—

Does the “D” stand for diplomat? My T-shirt has D3 on it. I’m not sure what the D actually stands for but I’ll take it. Defused a little moment between two neighbouring concessions. Now a calm moment waiting for a briefing…

—

I’m waiting for a speaker outside and noticed the ash buckets in the smoking area are being used as bins. Sent a photo to the WhatsApp group. I can fucking guarantee you that it’ll be me with the gloves on once this guy shows up. But a man can dream. There are eleven of us after all.

—

Slow moment. Waiting behind the audience with my speaker. Luke did the bins bless him. I had a moment to respond to an email from my agent.

—

Not for long but now another snatched moment. They’ll all be going up for dinner in ten minutes. String quartet is practicing the imperial march from Star Wars. Everyone seems to have enough ice. It’s about to go mental downstairs when they all fight to be first out. And suddenly I’ve got to get three sets of earplugs…

—

It’s midnight. Feet hurt. I’ve been pouring out open table wine. Sad job. I think the DJ winds up in 30. I’m trying to get ahead of the load out.

—

It’s about to get very very busy in here and they’ll all want to ask me things and I’m knackered.

Apparently she’s Titanium. She often is. She never sounds bored of it. I’m happy for her. They are mostly too pissed to dance and loads of them are gone. Doesn’t stop her from being Titanium. Maybe nothing can?

—

Oh my poor feet. Lift going up. *Stairs* lift going down *stairs* repeat until feet nothing but bruise. Then repeat.

—

Very nearly finished. Dropped my room key somewhere, have driven Bergie to the hotel and waiting for the others to let me in the hotel so I can talk to reception and get into my room to grab my stuff. Then fifteen minutes drive home and I’ll be asleep in nice sheets with cats and I don’t have to wake at any particular time …

—

I’m home I’m home! My feet are bruises. It’s only just gone 3am. That’s actually pretty good going. Fourth year in a row ticked off and it is extraordinary to be part of Shimmy’s team for this. She runs a tight ship with humour and perspective. Zzzzzz

I still kinda like my new Timberland Boots, they look nice, but I think this event has put paid to them as my new everyday footwear. They crush my toes together and that’s fine if you are doing a normal day and care about aesthetic. But … I have a habit of Tiggering until I drop and the pain I was in at the end of this pretty normal hours day was enough to make me realise I needed a solution for tomorrow. In the mid term I’ll be shelling out for a new pair of Brashers. In the short term I moved to the wonders of technology, I used one of the internet disruptors. Uber still employs humans at least. I’ve seen about 5 of those cunting self drive cars in London since I’ve been back. They’ve always been full but I know now. Little fuckers.

Helen is staying at mine. I went on Uber and I booked a courier. First it was Mujeeb, up in Knightsbridge, with his Honda. He was sitting outside a Turkish delivery place near Harrods. He didn’t move for ages. Eventually he cancelled and Bilal popped up, south of the river. Albert Bridge is closed, and Uber was trying to send him on all sorts of ridiculous diversions but he stuck to his guns and sped across Chelsea Bridge in excellent time. We were all watching in real time. “Why do these shoes matter so much to you?” asks Hannah, Luke’s girlfriend. Because my feet are fucking killing me already, and at the end of the day I got my working hours for tomorrow and they are 8am to 3am (and that means close of play which might end up being 4am frankly). I was already expecting that, but I wasn’t expecting hurty feet and I’m not going there. Bilal was a superhero. The whole thing with tip cost just over ten quid and now I’ve got shoes I know I can walk in for hours tomorrow. Up and down stairs loads too. But I’m gonna need another pair of Brashers. I wrecked them in just over two years, and that was Paris mostly. They got hacked into instead of my feet. That’s what you pay for. Paris and Kumano and heavy heavy daily bashing. But Brashers were my dancing shoes when I was raving. If they can keep me dancing for 48 hours with occasional little sips of water and a chip off that plate for the salty taste oooh then they are the shoes I need to wear whilst my body falls apart because of that yummy misspent youth and that ill advised but delightful young adulthood.

I wonder sometimes if I might take one of those things again nowadays.I haven’t one  for so long now. The world moved in and the time is never right. I don’t really feel the need to plug in plug out in that way, and Jesus I don’t want the next day when it all feels so bleak and heavy unless… Unless… Well, let’s see if there’s any seratonin left …

Not that such musings are relevant to events Al.

Tomorrow he’ll be heralding in the booze, part of a team of sober pied pipers leading just 300 people to various different booze concessions. It’ll be the usual for events Al. Troubleshooting, working out what people think isn’t their job and making it his, being point of contact for people stuck in stalls, carrying bags of ice, emptying slops, politely informing people, cleaning, working out where the thing is, organising the thing if it isn’t. He’ll have to try to remember to write this piecemeal as I go, cos bedtime will be deadtime. It’s gonna be a busy day but one I’m good at. And I’ll be comfy and swanky in my (cheap off vinted shhh) white Gucci trainers.

I’m parked at the North west border of my borough. From thence it is a ten minute walk to the Ibis Shepherd’s Bush, where I’m staying tonight. I could commute without too much concern, but I’ve learnt to take the question out of it and be in the hotel room with everyone else for these jobs. Predictability is important.

This will be the fourth consecutive year that it has worked for me to do this particular event. A different venue in London every time, and a team that is growing more and more familiar. These are good people and we know the job very well now. It’ll be a lot of work, but good work and we will smash it out. This year a bit bigger than previous.

Today I just took it easy in anticipation of a few days graft to come. I had a hot bath, went back to sleep for a bit in the daytime tangled up in Boo who has decided she likes to sit by my head if I’m sleeping and play pattycake if my hands are available.

We all went to Pizza Express tonight and had the briefing. Ali is here, from Paris Olympics. He is totally recovered now – that terrible cough that made me worried sick for him in the dusty warehouse – it was undiagnosed asthma and now he’s drugged up and a new man. We had a moment this evening reminiscing. It was a really strong time together, supplying and troubleshooting those games, negotiating all the individuals, stitching together communications, buying fucking screws. There’s nothing like the crucible of relentless random hard work to brand and secure friendships. Bless him, he came to Othello with his missus. “I’ve never seen a Shakespeare before”.

So … I’m in bed and it’s early for me, but the morning will be early too. Brian left a coffee outside my room this morning at the time I’ll be starting work tomorrow, and by the time I found it it was freezing cold. I’m looking forward to a few days of honest work, and so is my bank balance. I’ve got friends in my bed the next two nights! Shame I won’t get to see them but happy to be earning and making space for them. I still want auditions, but there was one year I sang ‘Boy for Sale” at 4am in a Premier Inn over this job. They recalled me for Sowerberry, got weirded out by me going barefoot in the recall, and went with someone else. I loved having the chance and – good that Annelie had at least seen me. Musical theatre was never my bag so it was a throw of the dice and one I’m happy to have made. The more people that see us the higher the chances of working more.

Event now though. All that stuff can wait. I’m gonna go to sleep and lose the next few days.

I’m plugged back in to London. But not feeling the need to go out in it. My decisions are being made by my budget, largely. We were gonna order burgers from Five Guys but thankfully I proposed a countermeasure. Brian and I went to the shop and got mince, eggs, onion and garlic. I then rolled it all around with some spice and we had home made burger instead. Cheaper and better. Just harder to do when the lazy tracks are well laid. I’m glad that we all managed to avoid the takeaway again. It’s a small victory, but … I’m fed up of giving my money out willy nilly. I have to settle my expenses. And I absolutely have to empty that fucking unit as it’s murdering me.

Right now it is 11pm on Sunday. I’m in bed with the blanket on, trying to pluck up the courage to go brush my teeth in the cold. Today has been all about nesting with cats. That’s ok. Tomorrow will be starting a little event with old friends. It’ll get busy so I’m okay with it being peaceful for now.

I’ve got Lou’s quilt on the bed. I was worried about the cats attacking it, but I’ve decided I’m happier having it on and risking cats than only using it in digs. It is heavy and comfy and a helpful reminder of how awesome she is. So far it has just had a little bit of affectionate claw from Misty. Boo appears to have grown out of midnight foot hunting. In fact, both of the cats seem to respect the sanctity of human sleep. What a remarkable thing. I’m used to cats that shout you awake in the morning because they want their munge.

I’m not gonna be awake much longer. Things are gonna get busy from tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the event though – lots of old friends. Happy collaboration. Even Ali P is gonna be there, the other side of our Janus Head in that mad Paris Olympic warehouse. He’s a beautiful human being and I’ve missed him.