AlBarclay

I’m in bed in one of the Garden Rooms at The Somerville Hotel in St. Aubin Bay. It’s one of my favourite parts of the island and this room is a treat and a revelation.

We finished the filming today for Bread. It’s a film about sacrifice and fear, need and desire. It’s a folk horror short, beautifully shot on a shoestring. Core team was an experienced director, DOP, Sound and Lead. Everyone else working upskilling. A happy set though and the basics were covered. We were incredibly well looked after by local Jersey businesses. I’ll likely name them all in later blogs as I’ve felt very involved in this process since arriving here and seeing what people have given to help make this a thing.

I didn’t really fully understand the extent to which the film is gonna be about me experiencing things. But yeah it’s me and my beard vs the ineffable. There’s virtually no dialogue. It’s about light and feeling. It’s film. And a very lot of my face.

“Jen is a great contrast to Al,” says the DOP. “She looks so young and fresh whereas Al …” and he glances up at me and isn’t sure if he should finish the thought. He’s been looking very closely at my face for ages and I’m not made up here. It’s his job to look at my face and he’s getting me raw, I didn’t tend my beard on purpose. I’m chaos. I try and finish his thought for him with a smile: “Whereas Al looks like he’s been through the fucking wringer backwards because he fucking has.” I’m ten years older in years than the next oldest person on set and “I’ve seen things”…

It’s in the edit now and the DOP is upbeat about my craggy face. “Some people look beautiful off camera and look flat on camera. Some people look weird off camera but they ping out on film. You’re one of them.” The sound guy is sound and the director is a mad delight. Everyone seems happy with what’s in the can. Apparently I’ve given a great performance so now it’ll be put together however it is put together, my work is done, I only have to try and show up for the premier and then see how it does in festivals. If it gets through the edit. There’s plenty of stuff I’ve done over the years that died after the shoot. But I’ll enjoy the feeling of a happy set tonight.

I’m in a certain amount of pain this evening. I’ve already told you the director isn’t an actor but he’s in it anyway for budget reasons. Before the fight I tried to teach some rudiments, the aikido stuff and curves versus direct. Only once and in the heat of the moment his opening move was an open palm directly to my rib with his full body weight behind it. I had tried to say “avoid impact at all costs, you can sell impact with the reaction and pulling away at speed”. I don’t really blame him but in the heat of that moment he bruised my rib. It’s not broken, but it’s a rib I broke once by skiing into a metal pole to win a race. That kicked off all the fun with double pneumonia, lung collapse and a year off school. I’ll keep an eye on myself this time. I’m not a teenager with parents who are divorcing this time so I’ll action it if I start to feel my lungs filling with mucus.

Bread. A Jersey film, here where we all have currency with the French language as well as Jerrais. Bread. Pain.

I have my way through the journey of the character. We’ve tried to avoid answering questions whenever possible. But I’m in pain tonight because of that bread. But … I’ll be reet. And this footage we took this weekend, I think I’ll be able to stand by it for a long time.

Half past eight. I just went to The Muddy Duck, which is my favourite place to eat in Jersey. It didn’t exist when I was living here but I found it by happenstance just after it opened about eleven years ago. Since then I go back whenever I can, even if I’m only here on the island for a couple of days.

The hardest day on set for me tomorrow by a long chalk. I’m gonna have to fight and die. I’m also gonna have to find an authentic journey through that. There’s a lot of action in this script and very few words, as film should be. I only have to tender my journey, really. But we are a small unit. And the director has put himself into the film despite not liking acting. He can serve it when he has to, he just doesn’t want the lens. Tomorrow, I’ll need to make him take his time over things and I’ll need to persuade him that he needs a close-up when we square off to fight about the bread. I think if I don’t suggest it as a shot he’ll skip it. He is good at the stitching but he’s deliberately stitching over himself knowing he’s not an actor but he couldn’t find one.

That said I trust his vision. The DOP is local and is genuinely excellent. The Sound Guy is a sound guy as well, as they weirdly always are. He’s the only crew member with a Leatherman on his belt. (I didn’t have mine as hand luggage only, so couldn’t do the old surprise actor tool use). He made a hole in my belt. No wardrobe department here. This is a skeleton set. No gaffer. Skeleton lights. But… we are so fine with the skeleton team we have.

This is a local Jersey film with a few deep practitioners in core roles. There are four of us who know their role deeply, and at least the four of us know our roles very well. Director. DOP. Sound. Lead. You can make something good with that square even if everyone else is learning.

“I don’t know if this island could support a native gaffer,” one of the lads says. And perhaps they’re right. Gaffers need a van really, and if most of the work is on the mainland then they are at the mercy of the weather to get their equipment over. Lights are both precious and heavy. We have been shooting outdoors, so natural light directed via diffusers and canopies.

This is low budget film but the team is good. There’s a shot at something here. If this works, if the sound design matches what we already have in the can, if tomorrow works out, if if if THEN…

One thing at a time though.

Also just generally a helpful tip: if you’re playing the lead in a woodland shoot where there’s just one rented portaloo a long way from shot, don’t ask for hot noodles the night before no matter how much you love spicy food. It was touch and go at points today. I managed to make it work. But some of the pain in my eyes wasn’t feigned.

I landed at Jersey airport about an hour ago. Was sitting at the back of the plane so I disembarked right away. Walking down the gangway I looked up and there’s a little bit of rooftop where mum and Peggy and Oz would often stand to wave at us as we landed. As my foot hit the tarmac of the land where I was born I hit a wave of unexpected emotion. I haven’t been here since Christmas Carol.

I waved at the ghosts and they waved back. And I was met at the exit and bundled into a Renault. We drove down roads I’ll never forget to St Helier. I am staying in The Omaroo hotel.

A brief talk with the director. He is very much invested in running this shoot properly. It’s a short but he cares about it. I have faith he will make it well.

Apart from the new Bergerac which was mostly shot in fucking Devon there isn’t much being filmed over here and there’s scope for it. Sure it rains a lot, but there are landscapes and seascapes, there’s big skies and history. When I was approached about this magical short it immediately played to my tastes. It’s a bit pagan, a bit edgy, it has a voice. My grandmother was a witch here. She would tell me of spirits she spoke to. Her spirit has become very active in my life recently again through Cheryl and Awaken in London. Of course the best way to reconnect with the dead is to hang out with people who talk to them for a living. And I have a feeling peggy’s part of the reason I’ve been flown over here for three days to make this film. Still working hard behind the scenes. I’ve been talking to her again.

I went down to the beach just now, stood in the dark and listened to the roar of the sea. This island still pulls a bit of my heart with the word “home” every time I come here, much more than The Isle of Man.

“I’ve told everyone to call you Mister Barclay unless asked otherwise,” I’m informed. “Probably better if you maintain that separation.” I actually understand that part of the game better now than I used to. The star is the star and it helps morale if we all pretend they’re special because otherwise why the heck are we all working so hard ironing these trousers in the rain and holding up these reflectors in the wind? And this time it happens to be my turn to wear the silly hat. Great. I know how to wear it now.

I bought a book at the airport. That was an early observation of people I admired at work on set. They stay self contained and easy to find, and then they show up when the camera rolls. If you’re spending all your energy being social you’re spent in the crucial shot. And the most important shot of the film will be tomorrow afternoon.

I’m gonna get in the bath. This is a delightful thing. I have been overextended recently. I didn’t expect to be but I’m so glad of it. What a treat to have three things I care about all running alongside each other. But I don’t get to see Lou as much as I want to.

“Are you still with the wonderful woman who read my i-Ching?” That’s the director. And yes. Thank the lord. We are gonna catch each other soon… “Tell her to come out and stay in your hotel rooms while we do the shoot!”

Tonight and tomorrow The Ommaroo. Then The Somerville. Both are being very generous and The Ommaroo have put me up in a fine room with a HUGE bed. Which I need to get into. Breakfast at 6:30. Dawn just after 7:20. Carpe Diem tomorrow.

I’m learning lines for a movie this weekend whilst also learning lines for some theatre at the end of this month whilst also sorting the route for the Halloween walk. I’m fried. Tomorrow I’ll have to come to rehearsal packed up for Jersey and then it is touch and go as to whether I’ll make my flight. It’s at 19:40 from terminal 5. If I leave at 6 then according to Citymapper I’ll get to the airport – if there’s no transport fuckery on a Friday night – at 19:13.

Lou is very clear on it: “Just tell them you’re leaving at lunchtime!”

I’m gonna stay as long as I can at rehearsal. But the director left at 5 today and I’m gonna aim for that precedent if at all possible cos it’s not about missing the plane. I did everything I could do to make this work and I wish there was a later flight but the airport staff in Jersey have to start early in the morning so I get that they won’t have a midnight flight.

I went straight from rehearsal to Halloween walk. I’ve drafted in some people to replace me when I’m not a around, and to replace Jo who made this walk what it is. I felt really validated this evening. I have recommended beautiful people. Jo is literally irreplaceable – my god the macabre make-up and her transport solutions alone. There’ll never be another Jo, and she’s coming to the dress rehearsal. I really hope she agrees with me about what a wonderful team we have now. Because yes… Good people who get it, that’s all you need. It really is all you need.

Hand luggage only tomorrow but I’m flying British Airways so they aren’t monsters. I’ll be in a hurry so I wanted to guarantee a decent treatment. Which reminds me, I should check in online. I’ll be flying back EasyJet so they might make me cut off my leg it or something. At least I’ll have the headspace to cope after the shoot. What am I flying to Jersey for?

I’ve been sitting back on this, but a young film maker I met playing Scrooge has built something around me. He knows it’s where I’m from and where I want to be. He’s trying to lure me back by playing to my strengths.

But film requires a very specific type of learning where you have to take care of the track. It’s only a three day shoot and my focus has been on Awaken. So tomorrow in the middle of the day I’m gonna experience a head jolt. My plane and my hotel room tomorrow will not be peaceful, they will be about conditioning. They have respectfully already sent me the call sheets for each day, and they are working with my limited availability. They’ll pick me up and drive me round. Without that care it would be too much. Well done them. One thing at a time, but each thing has to be attended to properly.

Up and Lime to work in the rain, but I’ve got the clothes for this. Helen’s dad’s leather coat. He’s got to be useful for something I guess. Keeps me warm and keeps the rain off.

It’s still a lovely room to be in, I’m very lucky. And I won a day! I thought today was Thursday. It is much better knowing it is only half way through the week. We are taking shape, we really are. It’s starting to look like we know what we’re doing. Lines lines lines but it’s a modern piece and they often flow at this stage. We could hack it together tomorrow if we had a gun to our head, but we don’t want to and we won’t.

I love this small company, I’m so happy to be part of it, and the history I now have with Ellie is really quite something to know. We first collaborated in 2002. The weave of our friendship groups goes in and out of so many different parts of this ridiculous and wonderful industry intersecting in surprising places.

Tom and Sara are one example, and they are trying to make sense of a huge space with sound issues. This evening was about trying to work out if it’s worth pulling down a load of plasterboard, knowing what an absolute bastard it is to dispose of. We are going round in circles about soundproofing. Canice thought maybe we just need to hang Calico from the scaffolding, but Lou is quite right: Calico won’t stop the sound. It’s got to be serge, and then once again we are back to £3000 worth of heavy fucking wool before anyone has even put the stuff up.

Not my problem I know but I like to try and be part of the solution… But sometimes, as I told Vic during the office clearance, you have to choose your battles.

So I’m gonna put my focus back into Awaken and the filming this weekend. I can’t be everything to everyone and this is too big and expensive a problem for me to try and troubleshoot now with no money. My instinct is: try it with an audience. Build a show in the room you’ve got and see if sound is an issue. Actors can work in difficult spaces, they might have to lean into their diction. But it might be workable just as it is… Better than spending thousands on a temporary workaround. Bigger fish to fry. Keep your eyes on the prize. The walls look tidy. They just reflect sound. I’ve played worse spaces.

Paint it black. See how it goes. I’m going back to full focus on my own stuff.

I’m comfortably installed in a hot full bath and writing to you. This morning I got in an hour earlier than needed by mistake. Somehow I just aimed for 9. Didn’t think about it being ten until I got there. It’s an experience though, taking a bike over Vauxhall bridge at that time. You feel like you’re part of a movement. Unbelievably heavy footfall in both directions as the new game is an unreliable Victoria Line from Victoria to Brixton. Everyone is out pounding the streets or on wheels. It’s a better idea than tube. I had to do it by tube once and knew I wouldn’t do it again.

London really feels buzzing right now. Loads of bright young people with shit to do every day. You do not stand still here. It’s why they’re after your phone. You’re paying a fiver for a coffee and you need that coffee to work. After work you’re unlikely to be spending less that 7 quid a pint. But as ever in this place, the parasites adapt to fit the hosts.

I’ve got multiple jobs on again and it feels totally normal. Stopping is death. I’m working with and for people and those people have me in the front of their mind and one of them might think of me for another thing and so it’ll roll until I end up like dear old Peter and his Last Tape. I hope he made some decent money out of that. We have to be paid. Especially now when the techbros are using the language of making to describe things they’ve instructed through an LLM. Like going into a restaurant and ordering a meal and saying “look at this meal I made”.

I ordered a thing on Kickstarter years ago and it just arrived. I sometimes wonder about myself.

It’s a ButterBot. It only exists to pass the butter but its arms don’t work so it is unable to do that.

It isn’t connected to the internet but it is open source which means it is infinitely customisable if you’re patient and clever. There will already be people who have created incredible apps for it. Even with the Kickstarter I got I can set it up as a carbon monoxide and smoke detector and there are so many other plugins it’s crazy. I haven’t got time to play with it right now so I just taught it my face and left it on the table. Boo is likely to cause it problems. I think it might be called Andy. I’ve left it to charge tonight.

Bedtime feels very welcome. This week is just madness. No way I’ll be able to record the audio book this week. But I’ve got a few days next week so that’s my moment for that and just… Just aaaaah…

Splish splosh. Time to go to bed…

Oh constant reader, you and only you will know how many times I have written to you from the top right seat of a number 24 bus going from South End Green (Mel’s old place before Barbara the landlady had a brain fart) to Pimlico (A short walk to mine).

It is one hell of a bus if you’re me. Plenty to do in Hampstead. Home in Chelsea. If you’re drunk and hungry you get to jump out at Victoria and still it’s easy home.

This evening we’ve been doing Halloween Walk Planning. It’s October now so we need to know. I’m just one of the guides. Sure I’m the ur guide for this iteration but only because Siwan and I like each other. Anyone could drag people from one place to another with charm.

I auditioned for an unrelated thing today. Hated it. Didn’t feel authentic in the room. But it is almost impossible, with a monologue, out of context, out of the possibility of play. Everyone had the same experience though. Horrid. Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of the twelve actors who just work forever without having to play that strange game. God love TC for Othello. He’s the best man on the planet.

I left rehearsal dressed in a three piece suit with a very shiny pork pie hat. I look as posh as I am. Here’s me in the bus right now:

So the average phone thief is gonna see a dripping roast right here. Look at him. Fat rich fucker.

On my way to my audition I decided to get a Lime Bike. I was using my phone one handed to locate the bike geographically. It was in my right hand.

I was going through a tunnel. Walking towards a massive security array. In my peripheral vision I picked up someone on a bike passing me too close on my right and my instinctive reaction thankfully was to clutch my phone extremely hard. Sure enough it was two guys on a fixie, both with masks on. One of them grabbed the top of my phone while the other tried to control momentum. My grip was better than his luckily, but they must take loads of phones like that every day. Closest I’ve ever had to losing my phone.

My initial response was as unbalanced as you might imagine. I was standing right next to a huge camera array on the way into Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens when they tried it. I’m normally thinking about my surroundings but I was worrying about time and my audition, and obviously I look like a right plum pudding in this suit. I was shouting imprecations about their behaviour… how it would affect them in multiple lifetimes. They tracked along a path in the park, looking at me, assessing if they were gonna go back and beat me up as I was telling them how many generations they were cursed for. People were around. They ignored me.

I tried the local police number. Honestly,  don’t bother. Stuff like this there’s no money to cover it and they don’t give a fuck. Much as when they broke my car window to steal my accordion in broad daylight in Camden with CCTV everywhere and a very clear time window the Met can’t give a fuck and won’t help unless they absolutely have to.

I reported this one with a very clear time window and an absolute clarifier of who operated the cameras. I had it to the minute. Easy footage.

They phoned me up but really just to say they wouldn’t pursue it. “Nothing was taken but I am sure you must be following these people.” “If their faces were covered there’s nothing we can do”. So yeah. I’ve told you exactly where they were, to within a minute. They are gonna be trackable backable. Nothing. Cops are pudding. Useless. Consistently useless. I’m not gonna let them through in traffic anymore. They would have been the same had he got my phone. Indolent. We are not protected in this city.

“I’ve had that happen to me,” I’ve heard. From multiple people already. “I held onto my phone too.” I wonder how many phones they get daily, how many they miss, these nasty little fuckers. I’ve seen them veer towards me before, I’ve put my phone away or blocked it. Today is the first time they’ve got a hand on it. I’m glad I’ve properly seen that of course they aren’t just antisocial kids fucking around, they are organised thieves.

There’s a really clear London solution. We make noise in this city. It’s who we are. London shouts.

Going forward, if you see two people on a bicycle with masks on the pavement – (and you see it all the time in this city this is a crowded city) mark them immediately. And start shouting. They are thieves. And if they aren’t it’s okay to be wrong, cos they look enough like thieves that a bad blame is harmless.

There’s always people nearby in London. If you can see a few people nearby just do what I’m gonna do going forwards. Whenever I see those fuckers, I’m gonna shout at the top of my voice. That’s a very old London solution to such things but if we all do it the problem goes away. Maybe just shout “PHONES PHONES WATCH YOUR PHONES” – that carries. We need a modern “GARDEZ LOO”. PHONES PHONES will do until enough people are doing it that it’s unworkable to be on that bike. And maybe try and kick it over too. But that’s only if it’s busy busy cos there’s two of them and one of you. But 2 on a bike, masks, pavement? Kick first, find out later imho.

Sure in the short term they might have knives, that’s what the cops will tell you. But with people around that’s not a proportionate fear particularly if you’re aware of them and where they are. And sure mister comments they might just be people with COVID sharing a bike, or dumb people who are worried about igmagrents sharing a bike. “People cover their face for many reasons” etc. No not really. They mostly do it because they are either criminals or cowards.

Two people on a bike on a pavement with masks? Thieves. Seriously. I’m gonna shout loudly whenever I see them now. I want it to become reflex with me. I’ve seen them loads when they haven’t targeted me. Should have shouted.

I’ve got so many friends who have lost multiple phones and haven’t learned. I was extremely lucky today.

I’m out of my bus and walking from Pimlico, down the embankment, writing in my phone.

Yeah so right now I’m writing and walking. I’m not worried about an audition whilst simultaneously looking for a specific bike and feeling time pressure. And my peripheral is WIDE as it usually is in this town.

But… still we do this all the time, we make targets of ourselves. And… with these guys unchecked it isn’t gonna get better.

We need to stop being targets sure, but the bike pairs are common enough now that we also need to start instinctively shouting when we see them. It’s an organised thing. We have to respond by organising.

Especially bearing in mind that the metropolitan police are absolute dogshit. QED.

There’s a box in Freston. It just looks like a scrappy wooden box. But I think it’ll contain worlds. But… fuck me it has been an absolute nightmare making it all fit together.

First of all sticking all the soundproofing.

Glue gun helped and yes it’s not perfect but I read somewhere that it shouldn’t be perfect, you just need to stop reflections but a few surfaces actually help the sound. I’ve put my cast iron stool in there, a little art deco table, and attached the R0de Nt1.

Gear4Music sent me an unthreaded housing for the pop filter so I’ve gaffered the thing to the cage instead of complaining.

I can’t run it through my iPad though as it doesn’t power the mic and the focusrite. I’ve had to run it through my laptop.

Audacity is not the most intuitive software to use but it’s free.

At lunchtime on the way in, I stopped at a little Italian restaurant in Notting Hill and sat outside in the sun. I spent £25 on a spaghetti amatriciana and a double espresso in the sunshine, and I’m so glad I did as once I went into that studio I didn’t see daylight again. I had no idea I’d lose the day like that.

An hour and a half to build the hardware. An hour to record. “I’ll be done by five.” That was the idea.

At 19:15 I threw in the towel. I had enough for a proof of concept recording to the sound engineer which I’ve just sent. I am pretty sure it’ll pass muster as I’m surprised how good it sounds in there. Just… When the fuck will I have time to record them now? I’m crazy busy for the next week. Maybe in the week gap we have from Awaken rehearsals. There’s already plenty of stuff in the diary for that gap… But if as I suspect I’ve finally made sense of the hardware, once the software is doing what I need I’ll have a thing I can send pretty quickly. And I’ll have a booth and the understanding to start coming in on the voice industry right at the low point. It is currently cripplingly beleaguered by AI and will continue to be so until people catch on how empty and arbitrary the choices are.

Back in rehearsal tomorrow. I still haven’t stopped for ages. But thankfully I adore my work. Last night I was decompressing knowing my weekend was gonna be a snippet. I’ve still got admin hanging over me, plus the endless cycle of laundry and so much learning.

All will be well. Particularly if I stop writing, hang up my washing and go to sleep. Gonna have to start activating my early mornings as well now. I’ll post about Awaken soon too at it’s a bit of theatre I’d love to see some friendly faces through.

We’ve been moving venue to venue with rehearsals. I’m extremely impressed with the production team who are making this work. Today’s venue is not dog friendly and there’s a saluki that comes with us wherever we go. It belongs to the director. She left us at 2pm as she couldn’t find care for him. So I just thought well, great. It is possible under contract to have us called 6 days a week. We were in Saturday morning. I just figured okay great the weekend starts at 2pm Saturday. But no. We stayed until the maximum possible time was filled.

Thankfully time with the company and no director isn’t totally wasted. Law the director can help us crystallise thoughts brilliantly, that’s the power of someone outside the direct process – the outside eye, the guide. But this is a tight team and we work properly without mummy in the house.

“What is my motivation?” is a cliché about people who do this work. It’s important, but methodology can start to really obfuscate practice. Some people want it phrased with transitive verbs, some need the objectives to be impossible, some need the objective to be visibly achievable. If you can find the exact right WANT it will really inform the work you do. But if you can’t, when it’s a group exercise, how long do you spend looking? Nobody can move on if it’s in a group until the person has something workable.

As far as I understand now, in this particular branch of practice, we have to WANT something in each scene the achievement of which could be visibly manifested in some way.

I’m not writing a manifesto here. I’m a keen apprentice in this work. I’ve got all my own coping strategies and pathways and targets and whatever, I recently told you what a geek I used to be and how I consumed all the books about practice.

5pm on a Saturday and we are going round and round in circles without the director and I’m honestly wondering why the fuck we are still here.

We DID get some good work done though before we hit the hole. But the hole opens up when nothing is quite right. “What’s your want?” “Something unplayable.” “How can you play it?” Aargh

This particular hard to find WANT was about systems and about the thrust of the piece we are doing. It’s about wanting the whole fucking world to be different, all the systems, all the assumptions, all the stuff we do to each other. Within the system of the Meisner practice we’re working through it actually makes sense to avoid that imposed (patriarchal?) framing. If the whole system needs to be burnt then that includes the parameters of this lovely Meisner way of working. This is at heart yet another male-formed system. My first exposure to it was a slow speaking man with a cane, pausing to visibly gather emotions, pinning public statements with laughable self importance.

The practice is good – maybe better than he was. But … I’m someone who doesn’t easily get swept up in things. I love TC because I immediately challenged him and he surprisingly responded with perspective and humility. He knows he’s not a guru. Nobody is. And as soon as that guru ground starts to open it is a vast pit with a hard cock at the bottom ready to go up you as soon as you fall in.

The play we’re doing looks back to the 1600s and is very aware of how the men John the men Stanford the men Milles… these men men men how their priapism has led us to how things play out for our protagonists. It looks at the systems of government, of trial by jury, of church. And perhaps, of putting a play on with this technique. Let’s be meta here. Examine everything. We must. More and more these days. It’s my way for sure. Big clever male man man etc

I’m so happy being a welcome apprentice in this company, with this practice, I need to log that. I know it will bring us a good result. I will continue to move towards it and learn and learn. That’s who I am. “Unthreatening alien”. I will never stop questioning. But I’m trying to be a good company member in any company. Cos that’s my life. Not just my job. My life. But I think the reason we lost hours today was because this is a male system.