eBay listing has begun. Jumpers and shirts and belts and scarves and phones and radios and alarm clocks. I’m trying not to think too much about it, just list. I’m still pretty slow but I’m getting faster. Sometimes I struggle. About five minutes ago I found a reversible Hermes belt and realised it sells for more than most of the things I’ve listed so far. Immediately I started to think about keeping it for myself. “It’d be nice to have a reversible Hermes belt!” But I’ve never wanted a reversible Hermes belt before, and there are people out there who do want one. And I like being able to pay my bills more than the idea of having an H round my waist in brown or black. Still, I haven’t listed it yet. #tomorrow. Along with all the other irreplaceable but more valuable items… Maybe.
This is what I’ve been doing for years now. Keeping things I might use but don’t … just because. In a couple of weeks I’m doing one days work pretending to be a golfer. I’ve got a pair of Calloway golfing shoes. I’m going to wear them on the job and that’ll somehow justify my keeping them. Then they might sit in my hallway for twelve months gathering dust. “I’ll need them if that job comes up again…” Maybe I should just sell. Nobody will care or even notice that I’m wearing them apart from me.
Every time I list something I find it tricky, but every time feels slightly easier than the last time. There’s a lot of stuff bagged up and labelled now, ready to go next Sunday when it all sells. I’ve switched off offers as far as possible as I’m expecting millions of enquiries anyway and some dude repeatedly asking if I’ll sell it for a quid will just annoy me. I’m busy this week.
I found a photo I took as a young man of my mum and my grandparents and I’ve put it up in my untidy bedroom. It was a much less complicated time. I remember it fondly.
Now I’ve got three pairs of eyes from the older generation scrutinising the state of my room and my behaviour in it. Right now I’m pleased to see them. I haven’t turned their face to the wall yet. Even though it’s Steptoe and Son in here.
I’ve got a fair amount more work to do before my room and my flat is in even halfway good nick. Junk has to go first. Then a refurbish. Then a regime of cleanliness.
The way I see it, I’ve been focusing on getting myself sorted internally. Now I can start to radiate outwards into my external presentation, which I’m taking steps towards. Then further, into my immediate surroundings, further still into my work and friendships and further still into the bigger picture. I’ve had to keep focus on my inner life for a while now as it was a confusing conflicting miasma, but it’s in a much better state now. I can look outwards a bit.
I can start to think about selling or hauling the things I’m not wearing to charity shops, and selling the little collectable nicknacks I’ve picked up to people that care about them and have both money and space for them. Rationalising my living space. Reaching out towards other humans. Winning. Slowly. But surely. But winning.