Unstructured thoughts about lack of structure

Sometimes it’s good to just stop. I think of all the times before this happened where I wished I could do what I’ve been doing for the last few months. Just to stop and let go of the reins for a little bit. Go to bed without setting an alarm. Wake up and not think about what to wear. I was doing a great job of relaxing on a Saturday when I was reminded that I’ve only got two days to register for the self-employed grant. That put the wind up me.

I put in my details and apparently I’m eligible but I can’t log into government gateway and all the lines are down until Monday. Why in God’s name is the deadline just after a weekend? On Monday morning every self employed person in the UK is going to be calling the hotline to try and solve one of the many varied issues. There’ll probably be about three people on the hotline and the system will go down immediately. There will be many scenes of many hysterical actors having fits of rage and panic attacks at the obfuscation of the HMRC systems. It’ll be quite something.

So right now I’m just going to take the pressure off, calmly assemble all the information I’m going to need in front of me if I get through over the course of Sunday, do some practice runs and then set an alarm for Monday, make a cup of coffee and itchyfinger the hotline the moment it opens. Despite The Tempest I’m going to need this to sustain the coming months while things maybe start to move again but too slowly. It would be madness not to do everything I can possibly do to secure what little I can from this collation of my returns over the last three years. It’s a generous thing and I’m glad of it. If only I can log in.

Today I just consumed things. I did eat the mussels, mindfully, one by one, rejecting them on the most arbitrary terms. Seems they were okay as I’d be shouting the sea by now if they hadn’t been. And that was basically the highlight of my day. I barely saw the sun, only remembering to get outside as it was setting. Now it’s somehow 2.30 in the morning and I stopped reading because I remembered I have to make some thoughts before I slip into oblivion.

That’s the problem with lack of structure. Time, which is unreliable anyway these days – it loses even more meaning when there’s no concrete plan. I often seem to define myself by the things I’ve decided I have to do. But I’ve always been better at motivating myself for the benefit of others. It’s helpful to parent myself in this slowtime. Perhaps we’ll look back on it with a strange fondness. It’s a similar vibe to those hazy days of childhood, only the voice that tells me I’ve got to get out of the house or tidy my room or have some food – that’s now my own voice.

Thank God I don’t have kids. You guys are warriors. Things would be very different with them. I definitely wouldn’t be up at this time unless it was because I’d been woken…

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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