Another “no”

Didn’t get the job.

If they’d said “yes” I expect I would have been looking at the edges and thinking “Gosh well that’s an awful lot of time in one place, and even though its reliable money it isn’t gonna make me rich and what if the big filming job comes in etc etc” But they said “no” so instead I’m thinking “Oh wouldn’t it have been lovely to know what I’m doing for such a long time, and how delightful to refresh my dancing and singing in a company of new friends and consistent employment is such a holy grail etc etc”

They don’t get my calm and friendly and slightly mystic energy in their company. No feedback either. That’s sad. That’s their funeral… And I lost a good part of the day to it being the constant hum in the background of my thoughts. “Should I have made it clear that I’m very happy to learn dances?” “Maybe if I had updated my CV properly and curated myself online I would look more employable…” They are employing fifty actors in this and I still didn’t get the part. If I think about it too much I’m tempted to just run headlong into a wall as essentially I’ve been doing that to myself metaphorically for decades. Fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it. And onwards.

Better out than in.

Why do we all put ourselves through this constantly? So many of my friends are imploding at the moment from the build up of pressure over decades. Too many years and we all still carry hope like naïve clowns. Now the convenient narrative I had of “Well, I haven’t ever auditioned for a regional theatre before not to mention a national, so it’s not like I’ve had the shots and missed them.” I’ve just missed my first shot, twenty five years in. And I’m still stupid enough to keep on hoping. Hey, at least they recalled me.

Thankfully I’m in nature. Lou and I just went to Stanmer and I fell asleep in the sun under one of the ancient cedars and momentarily forgot this punishment of a career I’ve inflicted on myself and just existed for a bit and hung out with trees.

Then I started thinking about Shakespeare because once again I’ve got stuff to learn. It’s far from a disaster in this existence but oh seeking the bubble reputation even in the cannon’s mouth… It hurts.

I remember discussing the story of Pandora’s Box with someone as a child. It’s a precursor to the Adam and Eve story. She’s given a box and told not to open it so she does. It contains all the bad things. Death. Disease. War. Famine. The last thing that comes out is Hope. “At least there’s hope in there to make it all bearable,” I remember saying. “But it’s Hope from the box of evils,” my interlocutor said. “It’s as bad as all the other things because it decieves you.” *poor sod* I thought of him, this adult, unable to see the shining light of hope. *I hope I never get so jaded*

Not sure how I’ve done it but I’m still not. I still see hope as a shining thing. Possibility. Light! Like the fox and the grapes I’ll soon be able to convince myself I didn’t want this job anyway. But after my experience with my old school house year, I have that old wound open – the desire to be accepted – and today’s news is a wee bit of salt in it.

It’ll be better tomorrow. Or the next day. And I have a feeling I’ll get to say “Thank God I wasn’t tied up in that show or I would never have been able to do this wonderful piece of work…” But you never ever know. It’s just down to chance.