Met up with a friend who is having agent woes and remembered how lucky I am to be happy in my relationship with Esta. It still feels like a partnership. I really needed that after so long with well meaning people who were submitting me against type. I used to often find myself reading for one part and knowing that the other part suited me better. As we careen through this life it is nice to sometimes believe we have control of things even for a moment. We don’t, none of us do, Eris runs the show, but we can dare to dream can we dare to dream we can can we?
I missed some potent years in the wilderness. But it feels like I’m Miss Jean Brodie now, In My Prime. There are years I lost to grief, sure, and years I lost to confusion. I’m sure if I sat down and worked it out I could piece together what happened in my thirties, but to my memory it’s a dead zone filled with London. I think about it and get various faces – Nathan, Tassos, Mel… Various places – Shunt Vaults, Chandos, Pit Bar. I was mostly trying to work out where the next food was coming from. I got good with rice and sauces but the bulk of my nutrition came from booze and toast. I still see Mel often, we might be able to remember together, mostly we just push forward into the space in front of us and dream. I really am gonna have to go to New Orleans in February for her. She’s fucking queen of her Mardi Gras crew. She wants me there and I can still remember how to forget. If I start saving now I’ll maybe get lost for a fortnight on the fringes of that swamp and come back wider and stranger and skinnier. “Book early to avoid disappointment”.
Lots of little jobs, that’s the shape of it right now. Skipping like a stone from idea to idea, happy to attach my full attention when it becomes possible, one by one by one. I like it like that, so long as there’s time for line learning. I never want to be searching for lines, there’s no excuse for searching for lines. Today was a quiet day though and I didn’t hit the words, but I’ve been processing something, some strange old trauma that is bubbling at the moment. Two more days and a thing is released and my heart still hurts but I’m also joyful as this thing I loved that I was once a part of is being well thought of by the reviewers, and so it should be.
Life is strange. All will be well.
AlBarclay 