Long overnight flight HO

I’m in this plane and it’s about to leave Spain and fly to Uruguay. Spain has been very very locked down with COVID and has only recently stuck its head over the parapet again. As a result we all have to wear masks. I didn’t have one. £4.50 in Boots for about 0.13p worth of manufacturing and distribution and I’m at least allowed to be here. I tried to botch together an exemption certificate on my phone cos I’m gonna have to sleep on this plane and then drive an unfamiliar car for two hours immediately on landing. I didn’t manage it so I’ve got something that is an obvious forgery and if some bugger wakes me up when I’ve clawed the thing off my face in my sleep then I’ll try it and say I have sleep apnoea or somesuch.

Until I sat down in my little seat here on the aisle surrounded by other humans it didn’t occur to me that I’ll be in the air for usual blog scheduling time. So I’m writing this to you now, my darlings, while they give us the safety brief and warm up the engines. It’s over twelve hours this flight, but it leaves at midnight and lands in the morning local time, so if I sleep it might just short circuit the jetlag. So far, nobody has sat next to me. I’m not holding out much hope though as I boarded much earlier than my usual habit. I like to be one of the last so I can avoid poison seats if necessary.

Ok there’s one person next to me now. Please please no middle seat occupant. Oh hell. More coming. This is not looking good…

The flight is Iberia Airlines. They are piping the same few musical phrases on repeat. The toddler in front and to my right is shouting. “Shaysha”. The one to my left is excited. “Ayo! Iyay oyayshi. Ano. Ishita.” I’m hoping their parents drug them.

Nobody directly to my right. I might be lucky here. They’re closing the doors. Go Go lucky lucky Al. Most of the seats are taken. This was my automatic allocation. I think I’m next to one of the only vacant seats on the plane. Dougie changed his seat and paid to do it about an hour ago when he realised he was in the middle. I think that his expensive action has positively impacted me as well.

The music is TERRIBLE. Someone was paid to make this. How can they live with themselves?

All loaded up. No more music. When using the inflatable slide don’t wear heels etc etc. So. Flight time. Bollocks to it but I’m gonna have polyester on my face for a bit so nobody marks me as a troublemaker and I can hopefully sleep maskless without one of them waking me up…

Tomorrow morning I’ll be in Montevideo. It’s summer. Something to look forward to.

Front left toddler has just started shouting “No! No! No!” as the engines warm up. I know how they feel.

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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