Really? Loo paper? Really??

I’m talking to the dude at checkout in Tesco. I ask him if the loo roll sales are off the scale. The aisle is, of course, cleaned out, as are other items randomly selected by internet hysteria. Have we not learnt by now after all the electionbots? Schools need to teach internet as a main subject. It came up so quickly. But you can guzzle poison dressed as medicine if you’re not careful, and it mutates you so effectively you’re barely capable of rational argument once you’ve had too much.

In Tesco, my boy starts a story: “So there’s one old bloke and he’s got 8 loorolls. He’s at the counter and the lady behind him has been saying to him: ‘I need one, I’ve run out.’ He’s been pretending not to hear her. He doesn’t give a fuck.” (I’ve got a good back and forth with my local Tesco. They see me a lot.)

Tesco dude continues: “I tell the guy when he gets to the counter that maybe he should consider giving her one pack. He’s all up in my face immediately and threatening to report me like I’ve done something bad.”

If you zoom out, this is hilarious. The selfish neurotic eejits are going mental. Guys, seriously, there’s a tap in your bathroom. You probably have a hand towel and you might even have a washing machine. There are many many options outside of rubbing paper in your arsehole. If you are stockpiling loopaper you are literally doing it for one reason, and one reason only. You’re not very good at being a human.

I get it. You’re terrified of shit. The prospect of deliberately getting your own waste on your own hands is so fucking far up the scale of things you couldn’t countenance doing that you’d sooner inconvenience everybody around you than risk it. And likely you are right to be like that. Because most people’s insides just involve horrible bowels releasing stinking effluent into the world on a regular basis. But your insides are a miasma of foul dark bubbling selfish blind fear. Your shit is toxic. As toxic as your opinions. It would likely dissolve your hands. Go ahead, captain, build your tower of Andrex and know, even as you plug the last gap with paper, that at least one person thinks you are a total complete and utter irredeemable moron. Bless you. There’s just no point. I can’t even tell you to wake up as the idea of waking up has become tangled with the idea of “woke” which was well meaning for about a month before it became a weapon word wielded by the willingly uninterested. Go and give some to someone else. It might help bring the Ph level up a bit.

Back to arsewipery, which is what we’ve all come here for.

I’ve been to Thailand, where the wonderful warm bumgun has transformed my understanding of this arse cleaning process. But this old guy in Tesco!? How many of us are like him? This is how we get runs on banks. “Everybody is getting all the loopaper, so we have to get all the loopaper too because otherwise … otherwise … otherwise … well otherwise we might run out of loopaper. Um. Yeah. Yeah! Otherwise we might run out of loopaper!! We might run out of LOOPAPER! And then… ANARCHY! Quick! Grab it all! All of it. Fuck everybody else. Fuck ’em. Mememememe.”

For something so completely unnecessary, it’s hilarious and very revealing.

It also puts the focus on loopaper, the familiar versions of which are chemically treated and unsustainable. The stuff is a luxury which people have misthought into a necessity.

After a month of quarantine, where most of us have been just casually wiping their arse with their hands because of the idiot loopaper hoarders, maybe the sales of bidets will go up and Andrex, after an unprecedented high, will find an unprecedented low.

Let’s look at loo roll. The abrasive and uncomfortable solution we have found in Western society to the need to make sure that the acidic waste we excrete is not left to damage our skin and stink out our friends. The stuff that’s filling the garages of all the guffawing idiots is not sustainable. We can do better.

It’s a touch point and battleground with this disease, perhaps once the dust settles and we stop jackhammerfucking our global economy into the dirt over fear of what is basically a bad flu, we can emerge wondering how we can wipe our filthy arses more sustainably. There are plenty of good online companies that deliver the stuff and make stuff more ethically than the big ones. Go towards them. Then the idiots with stockpiles won’t buy any as they’re going through the pile, and you won’t either. The market will speak. And the aftermath of this bollocks will be at least not so much fucking chemical deforestation bum-wiping. You take the good where you find it, aye?

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Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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