Here I am again, gainfully employed because of Brian, thinking about the aftermath of his departure.
This time last year I bought a great big TV, ordered it online on a Black Friday deal for Brian. It was to replace his great big TV that broke. I sat down this evening to watch something on it as I ate my dinner as he hasn’t taken it. There are no remote controls and no HDMI cables. I couldn’t watch anything even if I wanted to. I sat and listened to the circles in my head. They don’t half talk some shit, but sometimes I find I’m listening.
Pickle is gone and Kitkat is never here although she’s taken his room. It’s pretty quiet. It’s just me and the mice and the traffic and the circles. I don’t like it.
There are lots of things Brian replaced when he was here. It was amazing. But looking around I’m lucky he left them. But I miss his company.
He left his bed, but the other option would’ve been to take it apart to get it out and rebuild it at his. That’s a hell of a job. It’s not like it’s a divan. Has anybody ever deconstructed and rebuilt a bed to move? You’d have to be broke and not busy.
But then things like the fridge, the washing machine, the dishwasher. When opportunity knocked he snagged upgrades and replacements for older appliances. The originals are now thrown out.
The cat is gone too. It’s cold, I’m on my own and I hate it. I forgot how much I liked living with the wonderful bastard. I feel like while I was in America I got divorced from the weirdest marriage you could imagine.
I’m sad. I’d normally put the telly on to distract me but now I’m just sitting surprised by tears. I think it’s just the darkness. It gets dark way too early these days.
A while ago a friend of mine told me I was codependent and I reacted strongly against the idea. I spend a lot of time on my own and I’m fine with it.
But yeah sometimes I need company. Even if they’re super busy and just rumble home for a hug and go to bed. Even if it’s just a cat that curls up and sleeps in the empty place.
I’m too busy to sink into this thankfully and I probably shouldn’t write until it’s passed, but why not? We all get variants of this from time to time, particularly at this time of year.
This was my hardest time of year before Carol started, because of the emphasis on family at Christmas plus the dark and cold. But the unconditional love you get from family is so unusual and unique and when it’s gone … it’s gone. Now my friends are my family. Call me if you’re sad.
I’m fine by the way. Lots of work to distract me. Good rehearsals with good friends and then I picked up an accordion in Lewisham. Loads of shows to do in the next week – last two Twelfth Night Monday and Tuesday. There’s an open dress rehearsal for Carol first, this Sunday afternoon. No dinner – bring your own food – and a rare chance to see Jack and I in action before the season kicks off properly. I’d love to have a full house as the human logistics are the most important thing to practice. If you’re free, message me. 12.30 for 1pm right next door to Bond Street tube.
Meanwhile, I’m probably too busy for a chat. But I’m feeling pretty alone despite that…