Postman Pat gets his mallet out

Now I know why it’s called “second class”. I sent a mug up to Elgin. It made it surprisingly quickly, but the guy sent me a photo of the package as it was when it arrived with him. Some idiot had basically dropped a gigantic marble slab on it or something, and taken a proper chunk out of the mug. I refunded him in full on the spot. A useful lesson. I thought my first major eBay firefight would come out of some asshat trying to play the system. Nope. It came from Postman Pat indiscriminately throwing whales into his van somewhere between Southwark and Elgin.

I’ve started to trust eBay a bit more. The first few weeks of this I kept expecting people to scam me. Historically eBay has a bad reputation for scammers. I still get bailiffs for an old flatmate who refused to pay his seller fees for an item that was bought with a stolen credit card and then the transaction was returned after he posted the item. It was originally something like £3.87, and he wouldn’t pay it on principal, and nor should he. Years later they still try. It might even be a decade now…

It queered my trust with the site, that they failed to have any understanding that they’d facilitated a scam, and persisted in chasing him down for fees on money he never received for a valuable item that he lost after being pressurised into sending it quickly.

If Pat chucking bricks at my mug is the worst I get in this eBay process I’m thrilled. It’s still early days of course. It’s when you start to relax that the crazy people strangle you. I’m thinking I should start to use “fragile” stickers even if the guy in the post office said “Those stickers just make them throw it harder when they’re angry.” But it’s never what you expect. Someone will return an item but actually send me a dead horse, or I’ll post something to someone and one of Pickle’s hairs will be on it and they’ll go to hospital with anaphylactic shock and my picture will show up next to their red and puffy face in the Daily Star. “Evil Actor Sent My Son A Toxic Mug.”

I’m sticking with Royal Mail for now to send these things because I sent one item via Hermes once, and it was promptly and spectacularly lost. That’s a 100% loss rate and the value was more than the insurance. I just can’t trust them enough to go back right now. It’s atrocious. And I’ve received parcels from yodel that look like they’ve been detonated.

Just one broken mug out of hundreds of packages with Royal Mail and at least the money isn’t feathering the nest of some fat bigot. It’s subsidising second houses for twerps instead, and building nukes, but a penny for the NHS. And they got it from London to Elgin in under 48 hours. If only Postman Pat hadn’t replaced Jess with a herd of angry elephants.





Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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