Two auditions in two days, for two lovely companies. Familiar companies. I’ve worked for both of them in the past and had a lovely time. This week for three consecutive years has brought that rare thing – auditions. For three consecutive years I have auditioned for two different summer jobs. For two consecutive years I haven’t sealed the deal which is not a nice feeling. Props to the producers for getting me back in though. Comforting if frustrating, but I’ve noticed a shift in my outlook today.
For a few years, auditions have been super important to me financially – in my imagination. I’ve been worried about and blocked with money and have been thinking of any audition as a potential solution to the ever present threat of hitting rock bottom. I remember two years ago romanticising the idea of a US tour of Dream as the solution to a whole slew of financial problems. In reality, in retrospect, it would’ve been avoidance. What I actually needed was what the world gave me. Time. Time to address the root rather than to gad about doing lovely plays away from home. I went into those meetings, and a few others, feeling I needed the job. The need for validation was there somewhere. Various ancient insecurities… Wanting a stranger to say “I choose you!”. But for selfish reasons. Something has shifted since then – perhaps since Camino. Certainly I’ve never felt like this before. I enjoyed both auditions. I went in and had no concern in sharing my present moment with them. If the jobs come they come and I’ll enjoy them, but somehow I haven’t projected hope into them. I’ll gladly work with them if they wanna work with me. It’ll be fun.
I think this means I’m in a better state than I’ve been for ages, which is remarkable considering my early Spring was as hard as it’s ever been and I was on a self destruct tip.
After my fun audition today I went to Big Expensive Self Storage, and filled the van with plates. Left just a few weird things in there. Haunted dolls and celluloid.
Tomorrow is plate day. There are so many plates, but they’ve all been thrown willy nilly into different boxes, so until you’ve got all the boxes in one place it’s impossible to establish what is there. I’m hoping I’ll be able to co-opt Brian into helping because by the end of tomorrow I want to know exactly what we have for catering Christmas Carol, exactly how much we have of all of it, and exactly what is surplus to requirements so I can step up the eBay machine on Sunday and throw all the stuff we don’t need back into the ether either by way of charity shops or eBay. Christmas Carol has been the acting job that has bound together my last two years and helped me keep in touch with my craft. If I can bring a full set of period plates to the table then I bloody well will. It’s all about adding value.
It’s nice to be peaceful about these auditions. “What’s for you will not go by you,” they say. Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. Have a good weekend.