Christmas?

Happy Christmas, everyone!

Today has been all about that festive time of year. How the hell? I’m reading loads of scripts about Turkey and Mince Pies and Vegetarian Christmas dinners. I went to Primark hoping to pick up a disgraceful jumper to help fool the people I’m meeting that I’m ten years older than I am and entirely ordinary. They didn’t have any yet. My industry is ahead of Primark. They’re still doing back to school there. It’s loads of Harry Potter merchandise. I didn’t buy a Griffindor dressing gown. I definitely didn’t. Nope. Not me. No way.

I am going to have to squeeze on my £4 festive blood red jumper hand stitched by weeping children in Bangladesh, and smile in a wholesome manner as I mime carving a mime turkey with a mime carving knife on a mime table. Sometimes I wonder if the person who gets the job takes one look at the REAL props and panics. “But… but I got the job for my awesome mime skillz!! I can’t hold concrete things!”

Nonetheless I’ll be smiling under my moustache. Because all you need is one Christmas ad and you can do interesting fringe theatre for the rest of the year, or keep free for those last minute telly jobs and a shot at gaining some momentum. Maybe they’ll take one look at me and think “Just the unassuming 50 year old we were looking for. Bury him in money.” If so the drinks are on me.

My business partner and I are back in business with Brian. He’s making it happen again. The utter legend. We’ve got a new space for our Christmas Carol, with a new set of questions. It’s going to be amazing fun essentially reimagining that show which has been an integral part of my Christmas for the last four years. You’ll be hearing a lot about that in a couple of months, as it’s definitely going ahead – even if I have to pull out because Spielberg begs me, someone will Scrooge it. I want it to be me. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s a joy and a surefire way of kicking yourself into Christmas gear. It’ll be most of December and it’ll sell out so mark your diaries! If there’s a discount code I’ll list it here nearer the time.

But God, not for a few months. It all feels too early. I’m only just coming to terms with the possibility summer might be drawing to a close soon. Fuck Christmas. Why do I have to think about that crap now. What is Christmas but a time for paying bills without money? A time for finding yourself a year older but not an hour richer? A time for balancing your books and finding every item in them through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? Merry Christmas? If I could work my will, every idiot that goes about with “Merry Christmas” on their lips should be boiled in their own pudding, and baked with a stake of holly through their heart. Humbug.

I hate being cold. I’m already starting to think about building towards LA again in January, with more notice so more time to put things in place. Especially if I can get this Christmas ad. But this evening I’m off into the woods and I don’t know if there’ll be reception so I’m getting this scheduled early. Then I can just relax.

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Just came out of the meeting and the director liked me for it specifically because of the moustache. Plus he gave me a real actual knife. “Thanks for giving me a real knife,” I tell him at the end. “Yeah I bought it this morning. We tried it without a knife but it just didn’t work.” No shit, Sherlock.

The wave is still rushing. Christmas might be happy. This thing might be attached to my face for longer than I anticipated. I might have to get some photos of it. I’m good with putting up with all the Borat/Dali crap if it puts turkey on the table.

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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