AlBarclay

I was the youngest of five boys that we know about from dad. Occasionally there was the possibility mooted that two more exist in Japan from when he was a young man out there at the end of WW2. He always explained his baldness with the fact that he was reasonably near Hiroshima when the bomb landed. Some say he had a wife.

I was a kid still when my ridiculous adventurer sportsman businessman hilarious angry beautiful bastard father fell out the picture. I knew enough to admire his humour and fortitude. I’d like to have stuck around and picked up some more of his business acumen. It’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve started to get a handle on my dangerously impulsive nature regarding fiscal matters. Still got a way to go in that regard.

This father’s day is the last day of the Crouch End Festival. The last of this run of Macbeth shows. It’s been an absolute blast. But it has been expensive. Beers afterwards. Travel after beers when it makes drunk sense to get a taxi. Food after travel after beer when it makes drunk sense to get a takeaway. Endless coffee to counteract all the beer.

Thankfully dayjob work has been reasonably fruitful. And I’m willing to work for nothing for The Factory (and only them) – they pay back with a deeper understanding of craft and a community that is nurturing and committed. I’m more skilled, more confident and more connected because of my work for that lot. I’d love it if there was cold hard cash on the table too. But with that company alone, I’ll do it for the stripes and the giggles. For anyone else I wouldn’t get out of bed.

This evening we’re in a great big assembly room in Hornsey Town Hall. I have no idea how it’s all going to fit together but that’s the point. I’m just going to show up and say yes, and play a lot of people’s sons. It looks like another reasonably low responsibility show tonight. Which is fine because I’m knackered and looking forward to an evening off.

But yeah I’m thinking about dad. It’s inevitable today. I wonder what he’d make of this existence I’ve carved out. He probably wouldn’t approve of me working harder in the evening than I do in the day, but then only being paid for the daytime work. Still, loads of driving coming up, I’m feeling valued and grounded in my acting work. Something is coming regarding that. I know it in a way I can’t quite understand. I’ve put the hours in, and kept my heart open. The cobwebs are clearing. Bring it universe. Bring it, dad’s ghost.

Meanwhile, one last show of the week in this cavernous possible space. We’ve got this. I’m looking forward to finding out how we end the week…

The only thing we are not insured to do in here is stand on the actual stage… Ridiculous and brilliant… Here we go.

After the show last night I went back to an old friend’s for gin.

After a couple of pints I thought it was reasonable to get an uber with her from Crouch End, which is basically Finland. She lives in a lovely house in Waterloo. We sat in her kitchen reminiscing and trying to ignore the screaming from the street next door. It’s London. It’s a Friday night. There’s usually someone screaming something. Tonight it’s “get up!” which is reasonably innocuous by comparison. On the weekend everyone in this jumpy metropolis obliterates themselves with cheap hooch in an attempt to numb the pain, and some people seem to find it therapeutic to shout once they’ve had enough booze to be able to retrojustify it as drunkenness. Shouting is great therapy.

We listened to her. We tried to catch up with her with our Lidl gin. But after 5 minutes, we figured it might be worth checking if everything was ok. Her screaming was getting worse. We went out.

One woman was screaming. Another was catatonic with booze. There were already people there, politely trying to help. “Don’t you fucking touch my mum. I can handle this,” shouts the screaming daughter. She clearly can’t handle this. But I get it immediately. She’s young. Her mum is collapsed. It’s a strange shift, to have to mother your mother. She wanted to be able to handle it but she was at war with herself and ashamed about it too. And practically she couldn’t move her mum. Plus she hated that her loud panic had drawn a crowd.

The mum is semi responsive. She’s not totally unconscious but she’s very drunk. Not completely out but incapable of self motivation. There’s a lot of attention now from passers by, which is upsetting the daughter even more. “Now you’ve got something to talk about over your fucking Sunday roast,” she shouts at us. “This is how the people in the council estates live! You can sit in your big house and laugh at us.”

There’s a lot going on in this anger. I spend some time talking to her. I tell her we just want to help. There is a small group of persistent strangers who can tell she’s in distress.

She eventually lets us help her and we carry her mum in off the street. She’s messed herself. I end up with the bulk of her weight. We roll her onto a bed. I try to make sure she’s on her side. She’s not well. I don’t want her to puke and drown. I try to speak to the daughter but she has retreated into a quiet angry hopelessness. We are not welcome, but I don’t want her mum drowning. I’m trying to normalise and make sure the mum gets water and the daughter understands that this is just a moment, and stops panicking, without wanting to trigger her by mansplaining or sounding patronising.

In retrospect it’s upsetting that the bulk of her concern was social. We told her we were from the street we were from. It’s a posh street full of great big houses. She was more openly concerned about our judgement than anything else. Also in retrospect perhaps it might’ve been wiser and safer to have got an ambulance involved. I wasn’t thinking beyond the moment. I’m no stranger to carrying people who are blind drunk upstairs, and I dislike seeing people in distress, so my instinct kicked in.

Once we walked away, one of our little temporary group said “Well, that’s my first night in London.” She’s from Chicago. Staying at a hostel. Self-identifies as a travel writer. Is here for a few months. Well then, Lonely Planet. Let’s see what you say about Waterloo in your next edition…

A few months ago, Brian had his motorbike nicked from outside the flat. It came as a shock, but it was a very visible bike and it had sat there for ages. The police couldn’t find it. It most likely got shipped out of the country and south. It had a tracker in it, but he had switched it off because he wasn’t riding much and it drained the battery. At the time I was shocked and angry. Snatched so quickly from outside this supposedly safe home in Chelsea, and with me probably sleeping upstairs, while two guys loaded it into a van twenty foot from my head.

It was insured. He got a replacement. His Benelli Tornado. Only six of them on the road in the UK. Robin had it up in his workshop for ages. Stripped it down, got it tip top. Changed the exhaust. Tooled it up. Didn’t install a tracker. He knows every inch of it. Hell even I got my hands oily. Wire brushing the chain. Taking off the bloody air box. Last weekend Robin triumphantly rode it to London. Brian has been busy, and he didn’t insure it immediately as he wasn’t riding it. I expect he’d have phoned around on Saturday morning when he had breathing room and taken it for a spin. Meantime it was just there, in the bay, twenty foot from my head.

I bet it was the same guys that nicked it. I can’t quite get my head around how quickly it went. Brian had bought a 300 quid tracker. He was going to fit it on Saturday…

“That’s the end of motorbikes and me in this city,” says Brian and I don’t blame him. That’s a very expensive unique piece of kit currently being loaded into a container at Tilbury, and not something he could afford to lose just suddenly like that. The little fuckers.

Who can you blame? Years of austerity in an overpriced city driven by consumerism? Those little shits have found some way to justify it to themselves. But Brian works hard every day to make work for other people. He’s driven by it. Yeah in theory it’s a motorbike from some rich dick in Chelsea but in practice you’ve just stolen from the captain of Team Kind. I’m fucking livid with you.

It’s no way to make your living, taking things from other people. And seeing it happen like that, so quickly, on this big open street in Chelsea… It’s really shocking. I rarely wish ill on anyone. But you can have some, motorbike thief. I hope it’s the time you fuck it up. I hope you end up in prison and big Geoffrey drops the soap.

More than that though, I hope it shows up. Sometimes they just get used for a load of phone thefts and then get dumped. Some kids smashed a load of shop fronts last weekend in Chelsea on a stolen bike trying to grab what they could. One shop assistant, shocked, told me: “And they were kids. Like proper actual kids.” Kids are angry right now, and broke. You can justify all sorts of crap if you’re angry and broke. And they blame the sort of people that can afford nice motorbikes for bringing about this economic clusterfuck by voting hard for selfish.

If I was a superhero today I’d get the bike back using my amazing powers. But I’m just the sidekick.

 

Yesterday evening I momentarily went into some sort of fugue state. It was really odd. And no I wasn’t cooking meth in the desert. I got the train back and wrote most of yesterday’s blog. Then the train got into Euston and I lost track of myself for a bit. I haven’t had something like that for a while. I walked towards The Arts because Brian is there. He came out and hugged me. He bought me a coffee at Monmouth and understood completely when I repudiated all his attempts to hold a normal conversation. The hug helped me remember my name a bit. But I just wanted to walk.

I eventually got myself home. Having just earned a few hundred I allowed myself to get hot curry with all the spinach on Just Eat. And then I lay there on the sofa groaning like a beached whale until it arrived. I inhaled it, and went to bed at 9. Then I slept until about 4.30, responded to a few messages, and went back to sleep. Basically I slept for about 15 hours, with a brief interlude at half 4. And I feel great for it. I think I needed to drop out for a second, and I had the window. Weird unpredictable shows in the evening, unusual or pressurised day-jobs in the daytime.

This evening 16 actors played Macbeth to 20 audience, in a tiny tiny little church tower in Hornsey. Tiny. We could only use the ground floor.

I love that we have a company that can play fucking Macbeth with that ratio of actor to audience, where the tickets are a tenner and yet everyone is just getting on with it and enjoying it. This huge community of friendly geeks, learning things for the sake of learning. Playing for the sake of playing. And supported by audience who understand that they’re coming to something unusual, and are behind it. Our twenty people tonight were very playful. We deliberately played the bulk of the show in a tiny room with some medieval angels and a trapdoor. I had very little responsibility which was refreshing after my unusual downtime. I didn’t speak a word for the first half, got murdered as one of Macduff’s kids, came back as Menteith, who basically brings some information and is then absorbed into the force that is approaching from without led on by Malcolm, and spent the rest of the time as a slightly more physical minister than usual. My minister liked death.

This is mostly incomprehensible though unless you’ve seen it. It’s lovely and strange, and very well cut. Tomorrow (Friday) I know I’m playing Banquo so I’ll speak more than six lines. But I’m not really bothered if you see it and I’m in small parts. It’s not about that. It’s about the show. It’s about this wonderful community of skilled actors who are still giving up their time because it’s bloody brilliant fun, it’s challenging, and it’s our community. Two of the company were pregnant. One of them very very pregnant.

Three more shows in this mini run. Then a regular pop-up where we can find space. And despite my rather unusual emotional exhaustion thing yesterday, I love it.

I’m in a £55 train smashing through the countryside back to London. I was nervous about today. Despite all the weird stuff I do, not knowing still puts a little kernel of sick in my heart. Although maybe that’s a hangover.

Last night, as you might have gleaned oh constant reader, I had perhaps one too many glasses of red wine after the show. Then I wrote a ramble piece with my eyes half shut, and passed out with 198,000 alarms set for 7am. 6 seconds later, I pulled on my face, wandered into my suit, fell out of the house and slowly … inevitably … missed my train. I didn’t even swear about it. I just fumbled another ticket at Euston. I always leave too early and this is why. I still arrived early.

Virgin Trains took me to Birmingham. Some areas of Birmingham are no go areas, because they’re ruled over by gangs of Fox News reporters stabbing each other. I was in the bit of Birmingham that is filled with lovely positive friendly people who aren’t immediately terrified if you don’t look like them. I went to a school.

“What were you doing, Al?” I hear you cry. Well, my darling, as it happens *deep breath* I was facilitating a mentorship programme for volunteer employees of a major international pharmaceutical company. Yep. That. They were working one on one with year 9 kids helping them draw up a personal statement for the first time and doing mock interviews. In theory it was fucking terrifying. In practice I just looked smart, talked clear, let them get on with it and came out smiling. The kids had a marvellous experience, and grew. The teachers were thrilled seeing them grow. They really cared, these teachers – every one of them. I loved them for it.

They laid on a lovely spread for us. But I had no appetite whatsoever. None. I looked at all the strawberry tarts and wept internally. I can’t eat before I do hard things. And this was hard in theory. I still feel a bit sick now. But perhaps that’s because I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT LAST BIG GLASS OF RED LAST NIGHT. Or perhaps it’s because I don’t do things by halves. I still threw all my energy at this. I’m exhausted.

One of the teachers walked me back to reception. “Do you want to grab some cakes to go?” “No mate. I can’t think about food yet. I’m still decompressing. I don’t often work with kids. I felt the responsibility.” That prompted a response that floored me. He really wanted to tell me nice things about myself. He’d enjoyed my delivery, and he’d seen the kids change. Apparently I’m great with kids. He assumed all sorts of things. “You’re not conceited.” Ha. Yeah. I’m the most not conceited person I know, actually. Ya. Fuck those conceited people. I’m better than all of those chumps with their stupid conceity faces.

Maybe I helped the kids. I had a good frame to do so. I could do it again now without losing so much time to nerves. And perhaps I could’ve gone home earlier last night, but fun.

At some point soon I need to eat though. That’s the only thing I know for certain. When I was rushing for the train this morning I stopped at Burger King. I bought some sort of abomination called a croissandwich. In theory the stuff in it is animal product. Mouthful. Gag reflex. Swallow. Pause. Repeat. I almost got it all down before I started sweating too much and had to stop.

Now the train is pulling back into London. I might see if I can persuade one of you to come to dinner. I’m a hungry boy now, and I’ve consumed nothing but sweaty cardboard animal all day.

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I went home and ordered curry. Then I felt sad for no reason. Now it’s 9pm and I’m going to sleep. It’s still light outside. Mmmmm night.

This evening we did Macbeth in someone’s house. The people who created the Crouch End Festival. They live in your average fantasy house. Beautiful window boxes. Loads of space. Wonderfully maintained garden. Interesting books. Clean creative happy comfortable space, in London, over multiple floors, where almost nobody can live comfortably without giving over their immortal soul. These humans have kept their soul, and gone one step further and organised an arts festival. There’s definitely someone who is paid to clean their house. It was immaculate. But also it was a beautiful home to give us an intimate frame.

I didn’t know who I was playing tonight. I ended up in a toss for Banquo, where I chose an audience champion to play scissors paper stone for the part. My little girl won, Banquo it was again. Although part of me was longing for the sergeant.

As it happens, the bulk of Banquo was cut by mistake, so in terms of responsibility I had very little to do. In terms of story it was a little harder as essentially the audience had to understand that the witches had sent the “Your children shall be kings” information directly to Banquo and Macbeth’s brain. I noticed how great the writer (that old git from Stratford) is in that he reinforces and reminds us constantly if it’s important. I expect the audience assumed they’d missed something but caught up.

Trivial Pursuit became a big part of Banquo’s anguish tonight post murder. His ghost can loosely interact with the world, and even if he has no words he can catalyse words. We must have totally messed up our host’s set, with me lying on my belly throwing cards at Maddy. Starved of words I tried to teach Macbeth my pain through questions and answers. Maddy responded beautifully. This project is growing and growing and the squad is growing I’m trust and headspace. I think we should spend a bit of time now being pedantic about words though. Myself included, everyone was lax. We have such a huge freedom in our action that we have no excuse to be anything other than word perfect and completely on it with the verse. We are not doing this show to have fun. That’s a by-product. We are trying to make a Macbeth that fits our taste. And we do.

After the show I ended up with a jetlagged friend trying out Steve Irvin’s glorious bar just down the road from Earl Haig. Steve employs Bobbie, a fellow Scotsman, because Bob is an actor. He lives employing actors  I like him for that.

But I’m done. I should’ve been in bed hours ago. It’s all I can do to write this and I’m on an early train tomorrow doing difficult shit.

Here I am writing about the people I spent time with tonight..That’s all that really matters. My community is so darn solid. And tonight we told Macbeth beautifully in someone’s house. And that being done, I’m turning in, posting this without edit, and attaching the most recent photo my friend who watched it sent me. Because it’s me, audience, and random people in tights…

 

So it begins. The big long journey back to Chelsea. We were in Earl Haig Hall tonight. Another corking show. This project fills me with joy. Wonderful people doing difficult work together. The problem with working the Crouch End Festival is that Crouch End is the other side of the world from where I live. I suppose when our first show was in Pimlico I was lucky. So now I have to pay it back in travel time.

Today was a low responsibility show for me, as far as they go. I didn’t speak for the whole first half. Then I was Lady Macduff and Siward. Lady Macduff has a beautiful self contained scene. It’s a masterclass in writing by the old bastard. God he’s good. We need to care about the “pretty chickens and their dam” to care about Macduff beating Macbeth. So we see a sad mother actively caring for her son, wanting him to have a father figure. We see her as her inner turmoil regarding her husband’s flight causes her to let her personal shit overcome her need to cleanly educate the boy. We then see her son unpacking that suspicious logic. Then there’s an amazingly human, self deprecating messenger. “If you can take a homely man’s advice,” (beautifully implying how utterly stunning lady Macduff must be.) Then she sees her son die trying to protect her, and runs. Her fate is not unpacked but it definitely ends in her death, and Shakespeare takes it off stage. It’s a remarkably crafted short part and a joy to speak.

Then Siward. It was my first Siward tonight. We’ve combined young and old into one character, who essentially works like the guy in The Shining who you think is going to sort it out, but dies almost immediately. It ended up being about me and a Tesco van. By the time Siward came into play we had significantly spilled out into the road behind the hall. As I was about to enter, an actor I know of old clocked me on the street, walking home. That’s Crouch End for you. “Al! Good to see you man!” I am about to go and speak lines I’ve never spoken out loud in context before. I have no time for niceties. I come across as pretty cold.

I end up lying on the road being killed by Maddy’s Macbeth whilst old friends with tights on their heads hold back a Tesco van that might run over my head. As soon as I’m properly dead I stand up with tights on my head too and wave the bemused driver through.

It’s golden, this show. Afterwards at the bar an Irish woman says to me twice (because I blocked it the first time) “You’re actually very good.” I guess she had watched me be silent for the whole first half with tights on my head. The shock of understanding I could speak too had catalysed her into needing to express that surprise. It’s an old bad think, that one, brought on by the way many industries work. “The actors in the smaller parts are somehow lesser than the actors in the bigger parts.” It is of course entirely flawed. But it’s rife. I just told her “I’m glad you enjoyed it.” I couldn’t be bothered to explain. Leila only had about three lines tonight. Last night she played Macbeth and smashed it. 8 women and 5 men tonight. I love this project. You might find I’m banging on about it until it’s done on Friday. Maybe if you’re free in Crouch End Thursday or Friday you could come. Fuck knows who I’ll be playing. But it’s my creative outlet, and it’s about the show, not my specific work. We are all working in the same direction, evenly.

 

On a gorgeous afternoon, me and some very dear friends of mine gather together in Hornsey Town Hall. Some of us have been meeting like this for years now. We haven’t got a clue what’s about to happen. But we’ve got each other, a work ethic, and a shared knowledge that runs deep. And there’s a whole lot of love in the room. It’s The Factory again. There are many of us. We come together and make theatre. Right now it’s Macbeth.

Crouch End Festival have got us a different venue every night, with no show on Wednesday which suits me as I’ll be in Birmingham training people to be better at peopling and won’t be back in time. This evening we are in the old council chambers at Hornsey. Wood paneling. Beautiful old window weights. Untouched period flooring. Gorgeous old clocks. It’s a stunning old interior that’s about to be ripped out and replaced by faceless cookie cut flats owned by conglomerates based outside the UK and rented to young professionals at just enough over what they can afford that they can never feel entirely free. It’s only the exterior of the building that’s listed. “We can rip out all these nasty old oak panels for you, darling. Put in some good quality chipboard. Lovely.” We are giving the place a last hurrah before it becomes poison.

I’ve come in a three piece. I’m trying to dress well. I’ve got three of them now. I loved my armour so much I bought more. As a result I end up on the festival’s music stage between acts, wordlessly flanking Leila as she announces the show on the mic. Why me? “You and Maddy are dressed beautifully. It shows we mean business. Wear your sunglasses.” Hilarious. And odd. What of my usual uniform of stained trousers and disintegrating T-shirt? Does that not show I mean business as a “proper artist”? It does to me. But the language of capitalism is entrenched over generations and our instincts are visually wired to this instinctive false-meritocratic tyranny of appearance. If you can afford to dress smartly, people trust you because it’s clear that you can afford to dress smartly. I may as well play the game for a while and see what changes. So I’ll be clean shaven a bit. But I digress.

I’m Banquo again, which is a delight as I know the words deeply without any thought so I can run endless interference on myself and not get discombobulated. It’s why I’m learning other parts, so I don’t get stuck in comfort. But comfort is a lovely place to start this, our first run of Factory Macbeth. It’s gonna be a lovely week.

We ended up on the street. We moved for every act. The show comes alive with the obstacles, and there were plenty of obstacles to overcome, including a huge amount of people who had been watching something else and had to walk through the scene to exit the building, in a continuous stream throughout most of act 4.

I’m looking forward to this week. Lots of joy to come. Crouch End is annoyingly far from my home, but our first show was ten minutes from me so I’ll take the rough with the smooth. Here we go! 7pm every night. Tomorrow (Monday) at Earl Haig Hall. I’ll be doing small parts probably. Tuesday (I think) sold out. No show Wednesday. Thursday Friday somewhere in crouch end. I think a church one night and possibly the town hall again? I’ll find out. Message me if you want to come. Only a tenner.

 

I don’t have one of those things on my phone that keep track of steps but I feel like I’ve walked 500 miles today. I’m on King’s House School sports ground in Chiswick. There’s an international consultancy firm that has an annual sports day. I googled them and the average salary is something like 80k. None of the staff are over 40. It’s like children of the corn. They probably burn out. Work hard. Play hard. Make money. Retire aged 40. Live on a yacht thereafter, hoovering up coke to recreate the feelings of stress that have become a way of life. Die a decade or two later of an overdose in a dark room somewhere hot.

They’re having fun today though. Competitive fun. It’s a big event. Extremely busy. Staff from 30 countries organised into teams competing bitterly at volleyball, touch rugby, 6 a side football and (with highest stakes), 11 a side football.

While they injure themselves and each other they are cheered on by living topiary, unicycle jugglers and Ghanaian acrobats. They have brought their own entertainment as well. Horns, helmets, cheerleader costumes, camel costumes, loads of flags, ridiculous mascots…

(I have no idea what this guy was even supposed to represent. I pretended I was his biggest fan. He followed me around afterwards asking for money.)

“I feel like I’m at Wilderness,” says Helen, my friend and fellow festival denizen who is working alongside me. It’s because we are exhausted and mildly confused in a field while a DJ plays music and random things occur.

People stand on each other’s heads. A strongman tests his strength with a mallet and rings the bell. Young women hand out free popsicles. “Chilli and Mango or Strawberry and Mint.” Two men encourage us to take pot shots at coconuts. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! I need water and suntan lotion. The topiary asks me for a hug. My feet hurt. At some point I think I eat lunch. One of us lobsters in the sun. I’m in a black suit. Everyone not working is in shorts. I’m boiling. Oh look, The Red Arrows. Not for us though.

They are throwing their rubbish all over the place these people. It’s unbelievable. They’re scattered across the playing fields and every one of them is casually hurling their crap into the grass. There’s an army of caretakers litterpicking and we managers are joining in when duty allows, but still it keeps mounting up. Nobody gives a shit. We surround them with bins. They ignore them. They take one sip out of a water bottle and throw it on the floor. If they want more water they get another bottle and do it again.

By 5pm I desperately want a sports massage but the masseurs have been backed up all day. Four of them. They literally haven’t stopped. I go upstairs for five minutes to put my feet up. The door bangs open and in comes Robbie. “I’m the forklift driver. I need the keys to the forklift. Got to get the portaloos out.” “It’s five. The guests are on site until 6.30. You can’t move the loos until then.” He is not happy with this. He wants the key badly, I’m imagining him lifting up loos with clients inside them. My manager tells him no. The venue won’t give him the keys anyway. He gets very physically anxious. I go back on site just to walk around and ask people if they’re ok again as that’s a major part of this job.

An hour and a half later I find the key to the forklift and give it to Robbie. He is almost dancing with anxiety. I assume he’s just in a hurry. He goes and gets the the thing. Brings it round slowly. Then after an extremely uncomfortable twenty minutes where he very nearly upends a cludgie on himself he gets out red faced and sweating. “I can’t operate THAT forklift.” he announces like it’s my fault.

I end up sending him two big lads from the derigging team. They use leverage and bulk to get the loos onto the trailer without anyone getting spattered in anything horrible. No wonder “Robbie the forklift driver” got there so early and so anxious. He wanted to sit in his cabin and Google how to operate that particular forklift. We’ve all winged it from time to time.

I’ve been writing this piecemeal in snatched breaks throughout the day. The sun is almost gone now and it’s starting to rain. People are loading big piles of wood into vans. Brazil won the volleyball. London won the 6 a side, I think. I wasn’t really paying attention. I know Germany won the 11 a side because they all wanted a beer after the match and were asking me for one while the bar staff were shaking their heads and making neck-cutting gestures in my peripheral vision to the extent that I had to shrug my shoulders and fob them off with generic moaning about the arbitrary nature of licensing laws.

I thought to check the forklift and the keys were in the ignition. Apparently this site is regularly broken into at night. I may have just stopped a slew of drunken atm robberies. Although to be honest I doubt drunk South London kids would be able to operate the thing any better than poor Robbie.

When I’m finished I have to decide whether or not to go to a party. I’ve been walking since 7am. I can’t feel my feet. I might still go. Burning out at 40 is for chumps.

I sit and finish this during a snatched break. The cleaners are sitting near me. They’re done. “I’m not picking up any more shit today, we can do it tomorrow. I’ve never seen a group litter like them before. Apart from those South Americans in the yellow and green. They were lovely.” Well done Brazil. You won more than just the volleyball.

 

 

 

 

This morning I woke up naturally at 5.30 so I bounced around the flat thinking about my audition. Had eggs. Chanted. Fed the cat. The audition was in Southwark which was a happy coincidence. I was working there anyway in the morning.

I say working. I put on my ringmaster coat and Scrooge’s top hat, and grabbed a riding whip. My job?

First of all I met two delightful women who were dressed up as giraffes. Back in the mists of time there was a circus in Southwark, and the giraffes lived north of the river in a warehouse. They would be transported northwards over the bridge in the dead of night. Back then the Camelopard was an unfamiliar and intimidating creature and the shadows of the night were considered the best time to move the strange beasts in order to minimise consternation. A few drunken spouses might have returned astonished from late night boozing. “There was a spotted horse thing. With a long neck like a serpent, but with horns. And a black tongue.” “Go to bed dear. You’re drunk again.”

Every year at this time Southwark council spills a load of actors out onto the street with things loosely connected to the district, as part of Merge Festival, in an exercise purely designed to make people smile. This year, for today only, I was the ringmaster. I have now passed the baton, and the costume, to another actor who is more reliably available than I am. I’ve got stranger fish to fry.

So I was on the street with two giraffes. Two wonderful actresses dressed as giraffes. And we were “playing” in the truest sense of the word. We were finding out how to get grown ups outside Southwark tube to behave like children, and positively encouraging them to do so. It was beautiful and surprising. For me the highlight came with Jenny, who must have been eighty and clearly hadn’t had silly fun for a long long time. She sang to the giraffes, who honked back to her. Then they all danced ring a ring a roses. It seemed right. She was so thrilled and confounded and charmed I found it very moving. She stayed with us for ages, grinning from ear to ear. It made my day. All you need is one encounter like that. And we had many more than one. We went from joy to joy. The giraffe-women were simultaneously extremely inventive and remarkably charismatic, and people were drawn to their hilarious costume and endearing behaviours. All I had to do was put on my bombastic idiot hat, and hard-sell how glorious the beasts were, whilst occasionally whipping myself, or gathering people together to celebrate some other aspect of the circus – The best cyclist in the world was fun when the lights were red in rush hour. I have no doubt someone has me on their helmet-cam announcing their prowess.

In the midst of this I changed my clothes and went to a lovely audition, 5 minutes from the crossroads where I’d been working. My first note in the audition was essentially “Shall we try it again without you being a ringmaster?” Oops. We did so. Half an hour after the meeting I was back in the top hat and green tails and whip rolling up the crowds.

I love my life. More random stuff tomorrow. So much random tomorrow. Must sleep. Zzzx