Oh constant reader, you and only you will know how many times I have written to you from the top right seat of a number 24 bus going from South End Green (Mel’s old place before Barbara the landlady had a brain fart) to Pimlico (A short walk to mine).
It is one hell of a bus if you’re me. Plenty to do in Hampstead. Home in Chelsea. If you’re drunk and hungry you get to jump out at Victoria and still it’s easy home.
This evening we’ve been doing Halloween Walk Planning. It’s October now so we need to know. I’m just one of the guides. Sure I’m the ur guide for this iteration but only because Siwan and I like each other. Anyone could drag people from one place to another with charm.
I auditioned for an unrelated thing today. Hated it. Didn’t feel authentic in the room. But it is almost impossible, with a monologue, out of context, out of the possibility of play. Everyone had the same experience though. Horrid. Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of the twelve actors who just work forever without having to play that strange game. God love TC for Othello. He’s the best man on the planet.
I left rehearsal dressed in a three piece suit with a very shiny pork pie hat. I look as posh as I am. Here’s me in the bus right now:
So the average phone thief is gonna see a dripping roast right here. Look at him. Fat rich fucker.
On my way to my audition I decided to get a Lime Bike. I was using my phone one handed to locate the bike geographically. It was in my right hand.
I was going through a tunnel. Walking towards a massive security array. In my peripheral vision I picked up someone on a bike passing me too close on my right and my instinctive reaction thankfully was to clutch my phone extremely hard. Sure enough it was two guys on a fixie, both with masks on. One of them grabbed the top of my phone while the other tried to control momentum. My grip was better than his luckily, but they must take loads of phones like that every day. Closest I’ve ever had to losing my phone.
My initial response was as unbalanced as you might imagine. I was standing right next to a huge camera array on the way into Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens when they tried it. I’m normally thinking about my surroundings but I was worrying about time and my audition, and obviously I look like a right plum pudding in this suit. I was shouting imprecations about their behaviour… how it would affect them in multiple lifetimes. They tracked along a path in the park, looking at me, assessing if they were gonna go back and beat me up as I was telling them how many generations they were cursed for. People were around. They ignored me.
I tried the local police number. Honestly, don’t bother. Stuff like this there’s no money to cover it and they don’t give a fuck. Much as when they broke my car window to steal my accordion in broad daylight in Camden with CCTV everywhere and a very clear time window the Met can’t give a fuck and won’t help unless they absolutely have to.
I reported this one with a very clear time window and an absolute clarifier of who operated the cameras. I had it to the minute. Easy footage.
They phoned me up but really just to say they wouldn’t pursue it. “Nothing was taken but I am sure you must be following these people.” “If their faces were covered there’s nothing we can do”. So yeah. I’ve told you exactly where they were, to within a minute. They are gonna be trackable backable. Nothing. Cops are pudding. Useless. Consistently useless. I’m not gonna let them through in traffic anymore. They would have been the same had he got my phone. Indolent. We are not protected in this city.
“I’ve had that happen to me,” I’ve heard. From multiple people already. “I held onto my phone too.” I wonder how many phones they get daily, how many they miss, these nasty little fuckers. I’ve seen them veer towards me before, I’ve put my phone away or blocked it. Today is the first time they’ve got a hand on it. I’m glad I’ve properly seen that of course they aren’t just antisocial kids fucking around, they are organised thieves.
There’s a really clear London solution. We make noise in this city. It’s who we are. London shouts.
Going forward, if you see two people on a bicycle with masks on the pavement – (and you see it all the time in this city this is a crowded city) mark them immediately. And start shouting. They are thieves. And if they aren’t it’s okay to be wrong, cos they look enough like thieves that a bad blame is harmless.
There’s always people nearby in London. If you can see a few people nearby just do what I’m gonna do going forwards. Whenever I see those fuckers, I’m gonna shout at the top of my voice. That’s a very old London solution to such things but if we all do it the problem goes away. Maybe just shout “PHONES PHONES WATCH YOUR PHONES” – that carries. We need a modern “GARDEZ LOO”. PHONES PHONES will do until enough people are doing it that it’s unworkable to be on that bike. And maybe try and kick it over too. But that’s only if it’s busy busy cos there’s two of them and one of you. But 2 on a bike, masks, pavement? Kick first, find out later imho.
Sure in the short term they might have knives, that’s what the cops will tell you. But with people around that’s not a proportionate fear particularly if you’re aware of them and where they are. And sure mister comments they might just be people with COVID sharing a bike, or dumb people who are worried about igmagrents sharing a bike. “People cover their face for many reasons” etc. No not really. They mostly do it because they are either criminals or cowards.
Two people on a bike on a pavement with masks? Thieves. Seriously. I’m gonna shout loudly whenever I see them now. I want it to become reflex with me. I’ve seen them loads when they haven’t targeted me. Should have shouted.
I’ve got so many friends who have lost multiple phones and haven’t learned. I was extremely lucky today.
I’m out of my bus and walking from Pimlico, down the embankment, writing in my phone.
Yeah so right now I’m writing and walking. I’m not worried about an audition whilst simultaneously looking for a specific bike and feeling time pressure. And my peripheral is WIDE as it usually is in this town.
But… still we do this all the time, we make targets of ourselves. And… with these guys unchecked it isn’t gonna get better.
We need to stop being targets sure, but the bike pairs are common enough now that we also need to start instinctively shouting when we see them. It’s an organised thing. We have to respond by organising.
Especially bearing in mind that the metropolitan police are absolute dogshit. QED.
