Birthday.
I do get bored of people telling me all about their ADHD. It’s so terrifically fashionable these days. Everyone wants a piece of it. And they’ll tell you about it like you’ve never heard of it before.
But yeah. With that one you’ve got me bang to rights BUT I am never gonna lean on it or use it as an excuse because that’s not my vibe. My brother has done the same with a much less manageable braindifferent thing. It would be ego for me to make a fuss of my helpful thing that annoys Lawful aligned people in D&D. It only really annoys that particular demographic. Sure sometimes people have publicly humiliated me in conversation when I’m showing empathy by telling aligned stories. Such people, I’ve learnt, are usually on the psychopath scale and can’t understand why someone would tell a story about themselves if it isn’t to manipulate others. “I had a similar experience that validates your experience” is alien to dead minds. So they attack. Fukkem. Shawly self obsessed baddies.
I am observeing how I can maybe make things easier for myself within the way my personal internal noise works.
The monomania thing. I either have to give a thing my complete focus to the detriment of everything else or I do my honeybee focus which moves from thing to thing semi randomly and never stays on one thing for long. With the mono it is how I get all my performance things done. It is my acting work mode. Focus on my craft and the people in the room with me, don’t wash my clothes. I’m frequently in that mono these days as I’m doing lots of brief corporate performances, well remunerated. “Am I worth it?” I find myself worrying and I am worth it and I know it now but it took ages. The other mode is multifocused and works well for events.
I can make it easier for myself in mono if I don’t worry so much. I never worry in multi I just DO.
Ffion and I keep doing these short jobs. We are very good at them now. Crazily so. We have a ridiculously strong offering. We work hard to prepare, we deliver looking great, we get great feedback and great photos, we have it strong.
But … you’ve seen my mental state leading up to this one simple job. I need to be kinder to myself. Of course I can learn whatever… That’s my job. With my spongebrain I’d be easy on a soap or something with a quick turnaround. The thing I need to do fully is to let myself off the hook about the fact that, craftwise, I’ve got this bullshit tightly sewn up now. Always room to learn, sure. But… you want it, you’ve got it, oh potential employer. And quickly. If the money is right.
We smashed it tonight and I’m conflicted about it but it was an AI company conference so it makes sense that the script was written by AI. Like all the other bubbles it’ll swell before it bursts. And it still has a good few years swell. The issue at the heart of our script tonight is clear: “the machine has promised greatness but given no implementation plan”. Nor will it. Because it is a huge mirror. It just feeds us back to ourselves. It is an incredible tool. It isn’t a replacement. It’s nothing.
The world is good because it’s messy. Our friends work for us because we can’t predict them. We are born of Eris. Hail Eris. Let’s never be too regimented or predictable. That’s how we die as a society.
And I’m off to bed. Misty is very happy to see me.
And they gave me a birthday meal and a birthday plate after work!!
