I went to the cinema. The Everyman Chelsea. Screen Two for the twelve o’clock matinee.
The thing for me to remember is, I did the work. The work was good.
This business of being an actor is ridiculous sometimes. I was #6 in the billing on that. The #7 actor is swiftly moving towards being a household name. And yet still, the axe fell on both of us and many many more.
It’s not my first rodeo being cut, by any means. Back in 2002 the director apologised personally before the screening of my first big movie. My storyline had had some interesting queer overtones with *household name* which were excised to placate the Americans. My second big movie, I was flown out to Thailand and worked with *household name x2* and they had dots on their faces to CGI them younger. The whole CGI flashback sequence got the heave ho for budget. Besson had the good grace to credit me bless him.
This one I’ve been on set, done the job, got the call sheets, proud of the work.
I got the loveliest letter from the director, because it was narrative reasons that brought about the death of this particular hope. It was cut to streamline it into a chamber piece.
If I was conspiracy minded and I thought that there was a cabal working against me, this would be the clearest indication I was right. I’m not a pattern matcher though. This is another expression of Eris. I hate it. I’m sad about it. I wish it could have been other. But it is what it is. And it is comforting that the actor I was playing opposite is very well known and the same happened to her. I can never take this personally.
The cut actors are not credited. We are not even thanked. I videoed the credits. Essentially we are forgotten.
So I drove home from the cinema. I am writing this at 5pm. And I think I’m just gonna have a hot bath and a bottle of wine and get lost tonight and then work out how to proceed tomorrow.
Monday I’ll talk to my agent and … see: Can I credit it on IMDB? The problem with that is, anyone who has seen the movie will ask: “who is that actor?” I’m not in it anymore. So if I put it on my CV it looks like I’m one of those fucking extras that pretend they were in the movie. Sorry. Momentary diversion:
There are plenty of atrocious actors putting major directors on their CV who were actually just extras. They try and make out like they were in it, which muddies the water for those of us who were actually in these movies, doing something with craft. It’s why I have never and will never work as an extra no matter how desperate I get for money. It isn’t my world.
I remember some cunt on the other side in an audition thirty years ago when I told them I had just played Jimmy Vanbrugh, Lord Monocle in Bright Young Things : “Oh yeah of course you were, cos you wore a monocle.” Back then I wanted the job they were gatekeeping – too much to “risk” correcting him, saying no, cunt, I went through multiple rounds and played a fucking part in it.
We can tell people when they’re being a cunt but they don’t usually internalise it. We live and and sometimes learn. He wouldn’t have known how to internalise it anyway. Like Duncan – mister idiot location manager who thought I’d made myself up and then went deep into confirmation bias about who he needed me to be. I remember one time he didn’t believe I lived where I lived when we drove past my flat.
“I could stop now and take you up and show you photos of my dad racing and documents proving everything you seem to think I’m making up is actually true.” “Go on then, we’ve got time.” “No. I’m not going to. Because I don’t like you and I’ve got nothing to prove, and yep I’d actually prefer to leave you wondering.”
People like that will infantilise actors forever. I tried to personally teach him how everyone is interesting to people outside their own experience. He had kids. That’s a big adventure for many. I don’t think it landed.
It’s a good movie, this movie I’m not in anymore. The leading lady went to Guildhall and I met her with Minnie once years ago and we got on really well and had a good night. The leading man… He’s been around the block so much now. I wonder if it might be pushing his last film. The film is good.
Can I ever say I’ve been involved in it? I don’t know how that all works. I want this film to be well attended, to be well loved, well reviewed. Hey … Maybe enough for a directors cut?!
Ugh ugh ugh this ridiculous industry. And I still love my work. Madman. What the fuck am I continuously putting myself through?
This has been a huge damp squib for me. It’ll take me a while to get over myself. I honestly thought this job might finally help push me up at least into “not having to prove myself to idiots” territory. But no. Onwards. Ever ever onwards. Fuck.
AlBarclay 