It seems my maths head is being put to the test while I’m in Jersey. And I’m having to look at lots of things I didn’t want to look at. Everybody died and all the places I grew up in were sold. That happens to most of us but it was all rather sudden and I was young and perhaps I should have been better at accepting and going “oh well, at least I have these shiny things, let’s work out how to use them”.
Instead I tried to pretend like nothing had happened, everything was fine, there were no shiny things, let’s have another drink, la la la la put me on stage and I’ll pretend to be somebody happy. Years can be lost like that. Years were lost like that. Decades. Fun decades. But maybe I could have been more practical.
The fact that I’ve started to see the glaciers moving – AND DIRECTLY AS A RESULT OF MY ACTIONS – this has emboldened me to try to dig to the bottom of things I’ve pushed down down down so far down. I should’ve done this years ago but I’m ready now and just because I’m returning from Jersey with a win in the first round doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have to get up and start fighting again soon. There are a lot of forms to fill in and there’s a lot of holding my ground to do. Most of it can take place in beautiful places. That’s at least something. I actually literally will have to go to St Moritz and to Nassau in the next few years. These coming years are likely to be full of me walking into adulthood and acceptance at last by the simple means of sorting out all the unbelievably complicated shit that I’ve had my whole life and been baffled by.
I always want to see the best in people, but all this untouched money – bits of it might have been seen as unwanted money. It’s all broken up into a million pieces, but there’s also the possibility that some people along the way haven’t played entirely fairly with some of the pieces. Currently this only bothers me in that it makes more work for me with no reward at the end but unpleasantness. I’m still going to do the work and do what must be done.
Every penny I find is one that I didn’t have before. That’s the magic. I live pretty cheaply. I think that I can safely say that this last month in this beautiful place has already been the best paid month of my life, and I’ve mostly been eating sarnies and Pot Noodles out of the cheapest room in Jersey. I’ve lived until now quietly believing all of this was impossible – grifting and grafting on my own terms, cursed by loss but blessed by my flat, my friends, my work, and my outlook. And recently by Lou and a bunch of random animals. I think my outlook has attracted extra bits of positivity.
The joy of Jersey is, when it all gets too much you can just jump in the car if you’ve got one and go to a beautiful place. I went to the cliffs at Plémont when I overloaded today and I walked off the numbers and the dark memories and the agony of knowing I left it all too long. I let them all out in shouting at the sea and there was nobody around to hear and it was great.