Scalded arse

This is the fifth anniversary of my blog. Five years ago yesterday I was on the wrong side of the tracks and decided to start sharing the madness of my existence. I didn’t really think it would develop into this, but it has. The unusual and the pedestrian, all mulched together. A record. I like to think it helps make me accountable to myself. I also find it useful for my tax return. And the world needs to know what has happened in the life of everybody’s favourite haphazard antique moving dancing driving falling over spiritual geeky friendly actor. Doesn’t it? Well here goes.

I did a self tape and then I scalded myself on the bum. There you go.

Self tape involved rolling up the bed in the spare room and making a little office boardroom out of a blank wall and a swivel chair.



Then I had to attach my iPad to a tripod and mic it up, and wait for a gap in the drilling opposite. They just wanted a reaction shot, but I bulked it up with words because in an empty room it would’ve felt totally cavernous to just react to somebody who isn’t there. Also as it’s the first tape I’ve sent for some time I didn’t want to turn it in too cheaply. I didn’t cut my hair for it though. It’s long enough to make a greasy little rat tail but last time I tried to trim my own hair I shaved a strip up the middle by mistake. I was on tour. It worked fine for the part to be bald so I got Chris to shave my head on the fire escape. He did a good job despite the laughing.

I sent it off, it went to the client, and immediately another one came in. Are things finally waking up? I really hope so.

Celebrating a good day with a nice boiling pot of chamomile tea, I got Hex out for some exercise / company. I sat down with him twined around my left arm, accidentally dropped the teacup on my lap, shot up in shock trying to take my hot trousers off with a snake on my arm, lost my balance, couldn’t use my arm to stop myself falling over because it had a snake on it, knocked the teapot over with my bum and got more hot tea all over my arse which I was unable to escape from quickly owing to the curious and completely useless cold blooded animal that I had to keep safe from the boiling water. Shortly afterwards I had my scalded bum stuck in a cold stream of water with oblivious Hex happily drooling on my neck. He’s company. Useless company, but company nonetheless. Him and the fish. Some people don’t have any company at all in this. But he’s not great in a crisis, our Hex. And neither are the fish. Better than nothing I guess.

Now I’ve got to learn some actual lines for the other tape. Something to do that isn’t antiques. Oh what a delight. And I’ve got a whole load of furniture that’ll be (hopefully) selling in the morning at Tennants – (and the illuminated manuscript I wrote about). It’s the van load I took up, and at the time I didn’t expect that nobody would be able to go in and actually look at it… Still, it had to go out of the storage, and hopefully it’ll get a price. I often experience seller’s regret the day before a sale, and I’m worrying it’ll all go for nothing. It won’t. All will be well… Even my bum. But it hurts right now.

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers. View all posts by albarclay