Finding John

Bathtime. I am the walrus.

I’ve started another short term gig, but this one isn’t quite what I was expecting yet. I was hoping it would be “Here’s your car, at x o’clock you’ll need to be at y for z.” But first of all they’re using me for the old finding actors and places gig. I’m back on the hunt for a John Lennon after discovering too late that the client wants a specific era of Lennon. I found a young John, but they want Abbey Road John. Full whiskers all over the place. Big hair. White suit. The full hippy.

There aren’t many people in my business who have that look as it’s not very versatile. You can only get so much work playing “pacifist guy” or “white Jesus”. Your majority of actors have shaved the beard and the hair. The lookalikes, who proudly provide their own suit and wig… even they don’t have the beard. And the numbers they are throwing around are eye-watering, after which they continue with “and transport from Scotland and a double room in London plus a deseeded pomegranate every ten minutes and a personal serenade from Michael Buble.”

Considering they’re just geezers with no specific acting ability, a face, a wig and good positioning on the internet, I think I’d rather blow myself up than give them the work for what they’re asking. I have no guarantee they’ll be any good at it and they are totally taking the piss pricewise. So I’m looking for hairy dark haired actors, 30’s, guys…

I’m also looking for a reasonably large room for three early hours on a Sunday morning near Albert Hall. Hence I’m shouting out to RCM students for a practice room, although the college might not even be open yet at 7. I can’t picture many students getting in to practice at that time…

And I’m also looking for ground floor office space in Waterloo for a temporary art department. They’ll be the guys putting the wig on hairy Lennon, and renting the clothes…

So yeah. Just some stuff. It’s good to be busy. But until I’ve got this fucking Lennon signed off I’m not going to be able to relax. The situation is complicated by the fact that whoever I get has to have a photograph pass over a desk in America where someone who is looking for actual John actual living Lennon will go “Nah. Not him. Next.” John’s dead. The Catcher in the Rye. If he wasn’t dead he’d be old. If he wasn’t old or dead he’d still not do this gig.

I’m doing it though and as with everything I ever do I’m trying to do it well. Help a girl out with your forgotten Lennonresemblance and let’s hope I can get some money to someone who will go “oh, great, I needed that” instead of “SUCKERS, I’m off to Lanzarote to get Coronavirus with my family on a resort beach! Oh.”

Because we’re all going to die. That’s the narrative. It’s got so you can’t sneeze in public without everybody looking sideways at you. Conferences being cancelled in Europe. Milan is semi shut down. Is London going to end up the same? Maybe I don’t need to worry about Lennon cos I’ll have plague.

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Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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