… and the bulldozer slams in.
However many times the audition doesn’t go your way, it never gets any easier. I’ve had lots of lovely people saying lots of lovely things today but it’s all to the same purpose and I don’t need smoke blown up. We actors put our heads on the line over and over again in order to do the thing that we do. It’s not about being loved. It’s about being in a position to do the thing that makes us who we are. Which is why being told they “loved” you is irrelevant if the job went elsewhere.
I realised tonight that my support network is disrupted. Both of the people I’d normally unpack my shit to to are new mums and I know they’re crazy busy. Years ago we could call each other in floods of tears no matter what or when. Now their sleep is precious. I couldn’t involve them in what is, essentially, a very minor upset. This job – it’s just a nice thing that didn’t work out and worked out for someone else. But it confirms all sorts of patterns in my imagination. The last nice thing didn’t work out too you see, for arcane and inexplicable reasons. Maybe I can’t have nice things anymore, I think. And the confirmations and patterns and negative thought spirals squeeze stupid bitter tears. And I just want to switch out for a second.
Traveling and acting are my two big delights. The chance to do them both is like Al Catnip. But for whatever reason, the universe is holding out on that joy for now, whilst giving me periodical little kicks in the dick for good measure. Somehow it’ll work out… There’s a reason why etc etc etc
I can surely make some money driving vans and invigilating exams and flaying my skin off in the meantime! It’s gonna be fine fine fine! And so we lie our way through existence.
I’m sad. I’m just basically sad. I’ve spent the afternoon with a friend who is chemically imbalanced, and I’ve been pretending to be the sorted one for his sake despite wanting to eat my own arms. Now I’m home I just want to curl up.
And I’m working two jobs. I’m rehearsing in the daytime and I’m doing Pantechnicon in the evening. There’s no need whatsoever for me to be feeling anything other than completely valid and busy. But I guess we can’t control the chemicals. Who knows what the next few months will bring. Not what I was hoping for directly. But maybe there’s a reason it went elsewhere. It’s my job to find it and seize that reason, whatever it might be, or to create it.
Bulldozers are a tool of change. Something gets smashed, something else grows. I’ll be rehearsing all day tomorrow and then in the Pantechnicon all night. I’m busy and sought after. I’m just choosing to fixate on a lost job I gave myself the best chance at, because I love to travel and I love to work. The universe will find other opportunities… It’s the availability I’ve kept by not having all these kids like my emergency friends have. I just … I just wish that occasionally my decision would be validated beyond nice messages telling me how well I auditioned.
Basically I’m just sad. And It’s ok to be sad. Tomorrow I’ll probably be resolute. It’s all so fleeting anyway.