Breaking things

I’ve been back at The Factory today. Lots of lovely people in a room in Pimlico throwing balls at each other. The Macbeth that we scratched in Wales has been developing. It’s almost time to throw it into a room with people who have no lines and want to pay to watch. Then we can see what happens. There’s a first show coming on Friday. Thankfully I’ve been very dayjobby this last fortnight so the chances are, barring injury, I won’t have to do a great deal other than witch it up. Although complacency will be punished. I’ll need to be on it – we all will. We don’t know what the hell will happen or be needed. But that’s a familiar feeling now with these guys. And frankly, I love it. But then I’ve always been an adrenaline junkie.

Last night was spent sleeping on a friend’s sofa. She has not slept there since the guy she was living with moved out taking loads of their stuff, leaving lots of nasty little messages and taking a set of keys. Knowing he could come in at any time makes it hard for her to relax there. I thought it might help if I stayed round. I think it did a bit, although she didn’t sleep a wink. At least she was there. She’s been on people’s sofas. I think next she has to have a party and really reclaim the flat. She’s lived there for years. This little turd is just a blip. But she’s been working in America and letting him stay against her better judgement. Which gave him the time he needed to break as much as he could. And so her home has become a trigger for her. I spent ages “smudging” her bed – (trying to burn out bad energy with smoke.) Then I slept fitfully on the sofa bed while she stayed up all night next door. She finally hit sleep after dawn.

It’s so easy for us to betray each other. Destroying something takes seconds, building something takes time and care. He betrayed her trust catastrophically. We all want to love and be loved. Reading tarot last night I found myself saying – after Schopenhauer – that human desire is like hedgehogs snuggling together for warmth. They need the warmth but they have spikes. We are all strangely shaped and confused and drawn to one another but baffled by one another. Let’s try and keep kindness as our guide.

I allowed my energy to get pushed out of whack the other day by history, and did multiple things I regret in the space of three days. It’s an extremely volatile time for me, the build up to the deathiversary. If I attacked you I’m sorry. 15 years ago I smashed as much as I could smash. The bitter coincidence of mum and dad on the same day many years apart. Minnie survived the wreckage through sheer exercise of kindness, and earned her stripes as best friend. But the year turns round, the daffodils show their faces, and I try to screw up everything good in my life. It’s a spring thing.

It’s a good time to look at Macbeth. Treacherous bastard. I’m really looking forward to seeing where this project goes, and what I have to learn from it. Meantime I’ll keep throwing out ill advised piles of words and hoping that the process will improve my quality of life and that of those around me. Not work to the detriment of both!!

Meanwhile this evening I’m throwing a cricket ball around in my flat. Hopefully I won’t break the windows.



Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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