Day 1: Being a sucker for trends and conformity, the whole global trend for “Sexy February” that everyone everywhere is constantly talking about has got me wrapped up. As we all know because it’s all over the internet, “Sexy February” starts on the 2nd February and goes until the 1st March. Coincidentally the second of February is the first time I had a drink last year. I had a glass of bourbon in a replica prohibition era whorehouse – obviously because it was the first day of Sexy February. Today I did the opposite. I didn’t have a glass of bourbon when I otherwise might have. I won’t have any bourbon for a bit. Because I get to choose what is and isn’t sexy, and right now I’m going with “sober is sexy” – certainly until I’ve sorted some of my shit out. What else is sexy? Not moaning about being broke when you live in Chelsea and eat with fucking silver cutlery. That’s actually one of the official rules of sexy February. There’s a whole subsection about that. Getting up in the morning and doing stuff no matter how you feel. That’s HOT. Exercise? Rrrawr. Tidying up? Stop it, baby. Going on a date? Ok maybe that’s pushing it. But you never know Sexy February. You never know.
Today I made myself a ravishing cup of coffee, made some crazily erotic phone calls about money, and sashayed into rehearsal where I ticced popped and swore like a hot version of Errol Flynn. Then I had sexy tea with Marie and a hot catch up with Ri. On the way home my footsteps were smoking. Doves came and landed as I passed. Men and women swooned as I tapped my oyster card. The bus driver proposed marriage to me. I had to insist that I pay for my food in Tesco. They just stared, slack-jawed as I counted out the change and left it on the counter. As I left the shop I saw them stir back into action, mildly shell-shocked. I went home and cooked my dinner by looking at it. Then I had apple crumble and custard. Oh yeah. You know it.
Obviously if you Google “Sexy February” you just come up with a load of adverts for T-Shirts that happen to have both words on them. Sexy February is too sexy for Google. Sexy February transcends the traditional internet.
I’m going to do at least one thing every day to make me feel more sexy, and so are you. We get to choose what that means to us. We get to originate sexiness. Sexy February hasn’t been co-opted by charities or people who want to sell stuff. It doesn’t alliterate. There are no pictures of models and outside of this there is no copy thrown at us online or on public transport asking us if we are doing it, berating us for not doing it, implying we should be doing it, telling us why we shouldn’t do it. If it’s sexy to be completely indifferent to something – THAT’S YOUR SEXY FEBRUARY, YOU GREAT BIG HOTTIE YOU.
Picture of apple crumble? Oh yeah, baby. Ohhhshitbags yeah.