Winsum loosum

I feel a bit stumped for what to write today. A job I thought was in the bag has, it seems, almost certainly been pulled out from under me by the studio. It’s left me feeling a bit deflated. I’m used to frustration, but as often as not that frustration stems from not getting considered in the first place. I have auditioned for only two roles in feature films in 15 years. I booked them both. This job ain’t quite a feature but it’s good. The director and producer flew over to see me and are both on board with me. But the studio have suddenly thrown a spanner in the works in favour of someone with more bankable recent credits. Now it’s suddenly in the balance and I don’t like it. It’s not definitely lost but it feels like it might be. It’s a new kind of frustration. But these roles are always slow to confirm. The first two went months from meeting to job. This has already been a month or so. Ironically the reason I want to keep it is the reason I might lose it. I need some recent bankable credits. I need three lines on a BBC something on the CV so people sitting in the world of theory in an office somewhere in America can say “oh yeah I’ve heard of the BBC. They’re good. We want that guy.” But for that I need the meeting. And so we’re back to square 1.

Also my pride’s up. I wanna keep my statistics good. If I’d only had two high level meetings a year since I started, and I’d only managed to book 10% of them I’d still have booked more high level jobs than 100% of two. But…

But in the end, blah blah blah…

I’m doing what I love. Loads of people have been calling me this week. My diary is full and varied and blocked out. My friends are brilliant. I’m loved. “What we have we prize not to the worth whiles we enjoy it.”

Someone somewhere who looks a bit like me might get a call soon and be thrilled. If it’s not me, I wish them joy of it. If it’s me then it’ll quickly just be compartmentalised in my imagination, along with everything else, as “oh but that’s just something that I did once.” I’ve tried to fix on the present for so long to avoid the past that I forgot about the future. Recently I’ve started trying to care about the future a little. So it’s frustrating when my efforts get thwarted. But it’s the human condition. It’s why we are so achingly angrily alive, every one of us. The Native Americans had a blessing “May all of your dreams be fulfilled but one.” We need to keep striving for something or we atrophy. So sure. I wanted that. But so did the other guy. If my journey wants to go elsewhere then I have to have peace about that and keep plugging.

It’s shitting rain in London and I’m on a three day hangover. That probably doesn’t help my mood. I’ve been guarding this door for a living tonight: 



Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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