TNT explosion

It takes an hour to get through to a human being on the TNT Fedex line thing. I know this very well as I did it twice today.

My passport was supposed to arrive on the tenth. I wasn’t home to sign for it so it rebounded to the depot, and they don’t try again. They wait for you to tell them to try again. I assumed they’d just come again and I only started worrying about it about 5 days ago. So 5 days ago I went online and instructed for them to deliver it on the 25th. On the 25th the date just changed to the 27th without any fanfare. That’s today. I’m traveling to Jersey tomorrow.

At half nine this morning I wondered why I hadn’t had a text from TNT so I logged in to the tracking site. Nothing. And the date had changed to the 29th. That’s the day after I arrive in Jersey. For fuck’s sake.

After the first hour on the phone I finally talk to somebody human and he tells me that “maybe” I’ll be able to go to the depot to collect it. No sense of acknowledgment that it might have been an important fuck up for them to constantly give me a date to expect the thing to arrive and then just change it. He was just gonna contact them and email me in a few hours.

A few hours pass. Nothing. So I ring back and get Rebecca. “We’ve sent it back to the home office,” she tells me eventually. I remain measured but explain to her blow by blow how this has affected me and how this could affect me going forward. She agrees that perhaps I might have been notified or something. I have received literally nothing since the initial failed delivery on the tenth.

I ring the home office. “This is the wrong department,” he says after half an hour. “I’ll try to connect you to the right one.” More hold music and the other line is ringing. I put the hold on hold. “Hi it’s Rebecca, I misinformed you earlier. Your passport is going from one depot to another.” “Right. So it’s not in the home office or either of the depots for me to drive to?” “No it’s in a van or in process.” “Right. So there’s no way I can go and get it?” “No. There’s no way.” “My ferry is at 7.30 tomorrow morning. I start work at 9 on Monday.” “I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do.”

THAT can be the new TNT tagline. “TNT: I’m sorry but there’s nothing we can do.” Put it next to Hermes: “You weren’t home so we fed it to the goat.” We are fucked for delivery options in this country. At least Consignia was a resounding failure and we got The Royal Mail back. On which subject, stop trying to kill the NHS you weasels.

Back on subject, TNT really dropped the ball for me here. I have to get a ferry tomorrow and their lack of communication has directly led to them failing in the one thing they are supposed to do. To deliver my passport. They know it’s a sensitive document. ONE text message on a failed delivery. No other info. No sense of timing and then when I try to rearrange delivery to keep telling me a date and then shifting it. Terrible.

The fact is though, Jersey is in the British Isles. I can’t get over to France from there and go on a booze cruise after the job, but technically I should be able to travel to Jersey without it so long as I have photographic ID. Not that I mentioned this to TNT, but it’s probably why I managed to get through all the phone conversations without threatening homicide.

I’ve got my old cut passport, which arrived back fine because it wasn’t entrusted to those useless TNT fuckwits. I’ve also got my driving licence. It’s all going to be fine. I’ll be up at 4 tomorrow, everything will be fine, I’ll get on the ferry, and then at some point some kid in a motorbike helmet will try to deliver a passport that I expect I won’t be able to get until January now. But I’ll get there. I’ll get on that boat. I will. Get. On. The. Boat.

I’ll let you know. Maybe I’ll have to swim.

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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