Monday. Traditionally the actor’s day off. I suppose that allows it.
I haven’t been very productive today, my dears. It must be partly to do with the fact that last night I decided that I would say yes to every drink I could say yes to, and stay until the bitter end with whoever was drinking whatever wherever.
It is telling that my recall is limited. I don’t think I did bad things. One tends to remember if one picked a fight with somebody, or randomly propositioned a friend. I believe that I’ve done both things in the past, while in my cups. Not last night thankfully. I think I wrote a ranty blog, but if that’s the worst of it then it’s fine. These word sandwiches get made every night before I go to sleep, for you to munch with your breakfast. Occasionally I say things which I feel are true as I say them but then the next day I feel differently. Other times, if I know what my cards are, I publish and be damned…
I’m trying to be honest here. That’s the key. Honest not popular. If I don’t show the cracks, I’m showing nothing at all and there’s no point in this exercise. Any plastic fuckwit can tell you their shiny shiny life that isn’t really shiny. If I’ve got a job to do with this mess of language, that job is to help us know how unpredictable this existence can be. Those of us in the performing arts can take comfort in me sharing the arbitrary mess of it. Those of you in other lines of work can either think “thank God I quit” or you can get to know the nitty gritty of a largely misunderstood industry, and be better at not being that fucker at the family gathering who says “You should get your agent to put you up for that Star Wars!” *genuine quote from my cousin* GAKKKK
I guess I’m in a bit of a mood, as I think that another lovely little job just went by me. With costume fitting etc I figured I’d probably know by the end of today. Perhaps not… Maybe it’s still all to play for. But I fear it’s gone the other way. I’m used to it if so, but it’s always disappointing… I’ve sent a few barnstorming self-tapes recently. And I think I nailed it in the room for this thing I’m waiting on. Maybe if I ask you all to collectively wish good fortune on me… The fee for this one would have been an actual holiday, to the Greek islands, with Lou and I together abroad, nice hotel, and change.
I’m used to the uncertainty, but when you get really close to a job landing, it’s harder. This one might still land. Maybe maybe maybe… But I was first in for the recall… Often they work out what to say with the first person, and then it’s perfected by the time the third is in. Ach. No point in fixating. My job is to bounce back. I will bounce back. I just so very desperately want a good solid well paid formal acting job thankyouplease. Right now I’d take things I might have turned my nose up at before. I just very much want to click back into gear with my industry.
Ghost walking will at least keep me oiled and occupied, and then off to Jersey with Carol so really – barring gaps for filming – I’m busy until January. November looks slim but it’ll fill…
And that’s what happens when I have a day off. I spend most of it wondering how I’m going to get work next month. Relax? Reschmax.