Impossible things

I have an incredible actor friend who is also an accountant. I’m really shit at maths and I’m not great at new technology. She is good at both which is what makes her such a good accountant. But she’s at the end of her tether with my long term bullshit. She wants me to do something to do with a garbanzo micturative CSV Excel splat in order to impossibl-open everything in a programme I don’t own because you have to pay for it.

If I can do these incomprehensible things then she might consider continuing to save my fucking life.

I stupidly recommended a complicated friend to be her client. She is as shit as I am, and the combination has clearly been too much for my actor-accountant friend despite my checkups.

“Are you sure you’ve got the headspace to deal with us both,” I asked back before the world exploded. “Yes, of course.” But no. No she didn’t. Fuck it. Hoist by my own petard.

I’ve spent hours again trying to work out how to convert PDFs into whatever the fuck it is she wants. I’ve tried so many times over forever. They just end up crashing. I first tried months and months ago. I think it might be possible to download in the right format from a non mobile device. I can only log in with mobile devices though.

Even with that I always hit one of a number of walls.

I overcame a few of them today. I downloaded all my statements onto my phone but my phone doesn’t store them anywhere I can find no matter how hard I dig. Wall one. So I did it on my iPad but they won’t send to another device due to some email security bollocks. Wall two. My laptop has never ever let me log into my online banking and if I try one more time it’ll shut down all my devices. Wall three. Can’t get over wall three.

The Coronavirus affected helpline is utterly fucking pointless. It’s probably the same dissociation that led to me being refused a payment holiday until I shouted at them. But my devices don’t talk to each other through my bank. And functionality in the app won’t let me get them in the requested format of Murklop Cavaniah Plinkton files. It’ll just let me download the PDF like forever. But apparently that’s no good.

I’m lost in it. It feels literally impossible.

There was a lovely day planned with Lou tomorrow where she was going to come up from Brighton and we’d hang out and look at fabrics and stuff from the huge antiques haul and fans and then we’d go walk on the heath and it’d be great and I was REALLY LOOKING FORWARD.

I had to ring her this evening to cancel her as tomorrow I’ll be trying again just to import the floof into a grumpungly file that can be read in GNARL. And I can guarantee you I won’t succeed at which point I need to go round the house of somebody that owns Excel and sight read twenty four months worth of statements across three bank accounts and PayPal.

I need to get better at the nitty gritty about numbers and computer programmes.  Her expectations are talking in a foreign language to me. It’s impossible.

Is it my business as an actor to understand who a CSV moves in and to renderise up an Excel book finely?

I thought I was doing very well using an app to draw rings around things on PDFs of my bank statements like the good old days but halfway through I was told that I can only submit garbanzos in flumpyfoo like I was told so now it’s basically just Game Over.

“You knew this was going to happen ages ago,” No. You did. You did. I didn’t.

The distance between what I’m told and what I retain grows longer in my head. I didn’t mean any harm. Maybe I was told ages ago that I had to do it in Furblat. It didn’t make sense then any more than it does now.

Unfortunately ultimately I think it’s one of those things where the impossible is asked for in order to burn the client. I really hope not as if I’m burnt here I think I’ll end up burying my head and it’ll only get worse. I’m gonna try to get this shit sorted tomorrow. I’m not holding much hope. But I’ll try.

I’m sad about not getting to hang with Lou. Just maybe I’ll be able to Crimp the Flompikloops as I’m expected to. “It’s easy, Al. I’m just asking for a CGF CH J file! You get one by Arbing the Flurk like we used to when we were in Gop.”

Just because you find something easy doesn’t mean everybody does. Useful general lesson, that one. Plink.



Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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