Loo seats and Animal Crossing…

I’m ashamed to say that’s only the second time in my life I’ve changed a loo seat. I hated it the first time, and got my fingers all bloody trying to wiggle some horrible nuts (waheyyy).

This time I was prepared psychologically for the difficulty of it. The nut was made out of plastic so less painful, but the screw was corroded metal so it wasn’t any more willing to do what I wanted it to. After destroying a pair of marigolds instead of my hands (you live and learn) I took a wrecking bar to it and broke the fucking screws. Very satisfying it was too. Then I used an impact driver to screw it back on, which is a little bit of a sledgehammer to crack a nut but this flat eats screwdrivers and I know where my powertools live.

Strangely they posted me two loo seats. I’ve only got one loo so the other one is surplus to requirements. It’s not the sort of thing you can resell on eBay… “One careful owner. Reasonably good diet.” If you’re broke and the one thing you need more than anything else is a good loo seat, let me know. I can think of a bunch of Central London pubs immediately where I’d be tempted to just mail it to them for free in the hopes I could use the only cubicle they have when they reopen.

Maybe I’ll put it on eBay starting at £3 plus postage and see who bites on the second hand loo seat market. Ha. If it sells on a day where loads of other stuff is selling it’s worth the hassle to lump it in with the rest of it.

At least I’ve successfully started the planned work in the flat, despite my new stupid handheld gaming device thing. Ironically the game that comes with it is all about working hard to make your home less of a shithole. I spent a large part of this morning pulling up weeds and picking fruit. Animal Crossing is the perfect lockdown game. You can’t really play it for too long in one day… You run around having banal conversations with saccharine manimal things. I’ve got a monkeydude and a deerwoman. It’s all presided over by a family of raccoons who must be on some sort of a racket as they’re available for you to bust in on them at any time of the day or night just to ask questions like “What should I do … ?” They never lose patience it seems.

The father is even building me a house overnight and he doesn’t mind when I pay him. I haven’t given him a penny yet. One of his kids’ll buy any old shit from me, even weeds.

I reckon me, the deer and the monkey – we’re all gonna end up on a slab with no kidneys with those raccoon twins standing over us saying “CAN WE KILL HIM DAD kill him dad ? ?”. But in the meantime I can go fishing or catch bugs or hit rocks with shovels to get iron ore and there’s even this owl who showed up this morning and wants to make a museum full of whatever rubbish I give him…

An hour of game admin. Minimum two hours of life admin. Repeat. It seems to be working. I had about 2 hours playing and the life work got addictive after lunch.

I’m not sleeping though – and this started before the Switch came through the door in case you’re wondering. Last night 4 hours total sleep 9.15 to 1.15 after absolute 0 the night before. At 1.15 I woke with my first proper uncontrollable nightmare for like 30 years – (I usually have a hand on the tiller). Sleep from thence? Not a chance.

Exercise will do it. Activity. Well… Tomorrow I’ve definitely got to go the the pet shop as I’ve run out of mice… And it’s the real world, not the game, where I’ve got a snake friend who wants a mouse in a packet. Perhaps I’ll be able to trade one for a fish with Tom Nook the raccoon. Or catch one in my net…

This is the raccoon. From a previous version of the game. As you can see you can design your own space. However you desire. Just like life.

I wonder if anyone will put in a carpet in lockdown…

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Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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