I’m on a train to see a friend. This makes a change. Even though I’m pinging around all over the country it’s rare that I go somewhere purely for social reasons. I tend to mix business and pleasure. This is symptomatic of the way in which I’ve made my life work recently. Constant activity, constant change, different place every time. “I’m in Oxford, who lives in Oxford? Let’s hang out.” Occasionally we need to make space for long term loved ones though. Catford and Minnie and Zeph. A last blast of friendship before I get so distracted that I’ll barely be able to write my daily words.
This weekend was meant to be for buying a motorbike, but now I’ve fucked it so it’s a bit more freeform. No point buying a bike I’m not allowed to ride.
Chances are it’ll be season pass on the train and chalk it up to experience. It’s that or a lethal daily trip up the motorway on a puttputt. I’ve looked at the logistics around rehearsals / performance to retake and it’s really just … not very possible. A beautiful dream, stamped on by an indifferent reality. I might snatch a lucky 8am cancellation before a rehearsal next week. But I’m not holding out hope. I got screwed over, but I could’ve rallied myself against it rather than letting it fuck me. I was the one that dropped the bike, irrespective of the circumstances that led to it. Worth contemplating that. Perhaps I was scared of winning. I wonder how many times I’ve let a bit of adversity affect my mindset and fucked something up for myself. It’s another thing to police. I don’t like finishing things.
As I write this, I’ve got Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows on my knee. I read all the Harry Potter books as soon as they came out, but I never finished the last one. I’m trying to do it now just to tick it off the list. I’m only a few chapters from the end, but as I get closer to finishing I distract myself more and more. There are many books like that in my life, many computer games saved just before the final battle and left forever, many tasks that I just need one more drive at to sign off. I don’t want this biking to be another one like that. I don’t want to be forever just about to get the documents I need to ride a big bike. Even if it’s impossible to do it for the reasons I found this time round, which it might be. At least I can write my blog every day if I’m commuting by train. But I’ll always know it’s a compromise.
I have to get better at finishing things. I love the period of uncertainty, the liminal space, the place between places and the time between times. But you can be as much of a hippy as you like. If you’re pathologically incapable of finishing stuff you shouldn’t start it. I’ve got some nails to hammer. And I’ll start with Harry Potter…