Dinner at friends and too much wine. I’ve been playing with the idea of getting back on the wagon recently but then there’s an open bottle of Barolo and who am I to argue with that? I should probably have more self control. But it’s Easter Monday.

A year ago today I was in the New Forest thinking I was falling in love. Now I’m back in the rut, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to afford this month, I haven’t had an audition for ages. I’m fed up of being on the verge of stuff. Yes there’s money just a bit of money away. These blocks blocks blocks. I’m trying to break them down but I’m so fed up of obstruction after obstruction. I’d like to be in love again. I’d like the freedom of a little money. I’d like the self esteem of a job. I’d like I’d like I’d like. Want want want. Poor little Chelsea boy. Where’s my quinoa?

I’ve booked headshots for April 24th with my agent’s choice. I can’t afford them. I’ve just booked them and I’m trusting the universe because actually I can find work that pays if I look. It’s not as if I’m unemployable. I’m just stubborn and I want acting work.

They’re not talismanic, new headshots, but at least I don’t have blepharitis anymore so my eyelids won’t be red. And I’ll shave my beard. New start etc. “My, how young you look.” Headshots get sent to the people who decide who they want to see for parts. My current beardy shots are a bit too terrorist for the fact that I’m a soft spoken man with a comedic sensitivity.

Something is stopping me from getting auditions. Probably bad luck and unfavorable numbers. If I get in the room it usually goes well, so anything I can do to raise the chances of walking through that door…

Sorry, world. I’m pissed and pissed off. This is a vent. With this phone I can only write chronologically so it just comes out as it comes and I’m not editing. I want to get this scheduled so I can play Backgammon.

I’m on the sofa with Lyndon and Tanya right now. Tristan is smoking on the balcony. The evening is burning into late warmth and the view from this flat is gorgeous. I’ve had a beautiful meal in great company. Last night I went for drinks and company with two unutterably delightful beings. My life is so rich, and yet still I want more. I’ve opened the space for some amazing people. I have to accept that the way things are is just the way things are. And keep looking for the opportunity to effect positive change.

Macbeth gathers pace, Beowulf is back soon, there’s stuff in the pipeline. Wherever we are is called here, and we must treat it as a powerful stranger…


Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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