138 now, of these days where I’ve needed to carry something into a frame and share it. Some days I’ve really not wanted to write anything because it’s been a vulnerable day and we are so used to only sharing the shiny days. Other days I’ve been unbelievably tired, lying in bed with one eye open watching the word count.
The process of putting these days into words has got me thinking about the whole process of writing things down. They change their nature a little when you capture them. It’s like the cultures and individuals that dislike having their photograph taken because they fear a tiny shred of their soul will be torn out and put into the photo. If that’s true most of us would be nothing but tatters now. But my job here is to capture my every day, but make it consumable. Like on Instagram I’m cropping it and filtering. “Hmm this day looks better from this angle.” “Let’s just crop that bit out, and enhance the colour there.”
But then as soon as something is written down it assumes some form of authority. Again like with a picture. Pictures affect our memory of events we attended, and people we knew. Sometimes when I think of my mother I picture her how she looked on her wedding day, in black and white, because my brother has a picture of the wedding in his home. Obviously I never knew her then. Similarly when I look back over previous posts I think “That’s exactly how it happened,” but it’s not.
The written word assumes some form of authority beyond its purpose in the moment it’s made. Often when someone wants to support a conspiracy theory or a piece of hateful thinking they link to an item much like this blog, that has been scratched onto the screen of someone’s phone on the tube from place to place and shoved out into the world. These scribbles seem to assume an equal weight with a multi Pulitzer winning journalist’s year of work honed to a single article. “Yeah sure professor Flibble says that, but this guy on flibbleisaliar.com says he’s lying, and I choose to believe him.”
On the whole I’ve tried to be as candid as I can here. But today for work I signed an NDA (non disclosure agreement), filming in the morning. It always feels like a ball and chain when they make you do that. I had to sign one in Bangkok once on an exciting job. I almost bit my hand off because I didn’t know what the things were that I couldn’t write so I stopped at “I’m in Bangkok”. Nobody wants to get sued.
Thankfully I wrote early today – got the bulk done on the tube from Hanger Lane to Vauxhall. And just as well. I just had a beautiful evening with someone I adore, but the content will take some time to process. I’m an empath and someone who feels things deeply. All my inner muscles have been flexed and I’m feeling like I’ve run a marathon. I’m wrung out, and I’m glad I wrote the above earlier because sentences are pretty hard right now. I stood and looked at boats for a while.