Day 31. I’ve been here a month. And it’s Valentine’s Day. That day when everyone examines their life choices. I’m in a music video for a friend of mine, shot on my cellphone in my bedroom here. It’s a mishmash of her friends lip syncing her, and it’s called “I should be loved”. I thought I’d share it with you.

She was at little person school with me before I got expelled. I don’t have many people in my life from that long ago, and it feels like I’ve changed immeasurably. I’d safely say she’s my oldest friend, and with friends that old there’s sometimes a peculiar edge. “You’re not behaving like you should behave.” We forget that everyone is changing around us at the same time as we are changing. I first knew her when we were both in the choir. So obviously that’s what she “should” be doing. Singing. Therefore I am happy when she is singing because it satisfies my sense of what she “should.” be doing. And she is singing about “should.” “I should be loved”. Really? Why? I recently said to my therapist (oh so LA) “Bullshit, nobody deserves ANYTHING.” She said “I think people do. I think you do.” So maybe it’s my worldview that’s squiffy here. And yes, here’s a lovely song, and I’m glad to be involved. I just need to get over my instinctive distaste for the slew of ideas that come attached to the word “should”. She’s great. She more or less singlehandedly painted and plastered my whole flat the other day, unasked, just because she wanted to do something lovely. And she let me put my gentle humour into the video. You should click the link. You should enjoy the track. And then you should donate. Should.

Today I worked a bit and then I really wanted to go and meditate in the sunshine, so I went to Pan Pacific Park. It’s the best park I’ve found so far. I asked advice from a random stranger. “Do you know where a good park is?” “Park?” “Somewhere I can go and look at nature?” “Well, there’s Pan Pacific.” “What’s there?” “Well, there’s a football field… and a play area…” “hmm anything else?” “There’s grass..?” “Ok…yep. Grass. Grass and…?” “uh … … … … trees?” SOLD
I can confirm to you that it was indeed a park with both grass and trees, as there ‘should’ be. I sat on the grass near the trees and meditated for a while. Before starting I’d sent my gps coordinates to Lyndon, who found me and took this picture.

Shortly thereafter, we found a memorial to the holocaust with 1.2 million little holes to write notes in, corresponding to the 1.2 million children killed. It was closing and a security guard moved us on almost immediately which is for the best as I just had time to feel that shock of empathy and horror, without bringing my energy right down. That is something that ‘should’ never have happened, and we ‘should’ do everything in our collective powers to ensure it never does again. I have no qualms about using that word in that context. Much like the “Al is the opposite of LA” thing, it’s just another part of my web of unexamined ideas.


So have a listen, enjoy, and you should all have wonderful days.

Author: albarclay

This blog is a work of creative writing. Do not mistake it for truth. All opinions are mine and not that of my numerous employers.

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