AlBarclay

February at last. Imbolc, and a long bright day. I slept with my curtains open and was cooked awake. Last week I ordered some boxes of lucky charms, and they arrived yesterday. A nostalgia thing, after long happy teenage summers in Maine with my godfather, fishing, eating sugar, chopping wood and trying to prevent him from killing me and making it look like an accident. Don’t ask. But I was after those lucky charms back then. There’s nothing quite like the squeak of those marshmallows on your teeth first thing in morning. I had a little bowl and looked ahead to the month to come.

The light is coming back, but the dark doesn’t want to let go. Bad news coming in from left and right. A new friend is suddenly catastrophically flooded and has to stay at ours. She was there when I woke up. Brian fielded the emergency and I didn’t have to wake for it, so had been happily talking to myself in my pants for quite some time when she came in. I’ve been getting ready for another self-tape. Lucky me.

Tristan showed up late morning after I had pleaded with him for assistance. It’s the sort of tape that requires his creative eye. We drove round to Tanya’s and made use of a corridor there.

My favourite casting notice so far. I want to get the offer just so I can print the email offering the part, pin it up somewhere and chuckle to myself when I remember it. Satan.

My process with self taping has been extensively documented in these pages. I didn’t like that they’re easier if you live in a big house and have money for lights and reflectors and things, but actually now you can get the basics cheaply enough that it is not so much of a barrier to the broke. Also they are common enough that I’ve started to trust that people see the performance and the actor more than the lighting state and background. I’m still a little cynical about whether they actually all get watched, but perhaps that’s after having sent some blinding ones and had no traction.

Tristan and I took time in the set up, but actually had it down fine first take because we did. We did one more for safety and then I was relaxed enough to take some risks with a character ident. It’s Satan for crying out loud. You’ve got to be mischievous.

Normally it goes out the morning it’s due, but I got it in to Esta before close of play and she sent it on. I can leave a little bit of me attached to that one knowing I did a good job. I’m not sure why but I’m feeling generally optimistic about the things I send right now. Perhaps the positive change is looking at me for some reason. Although so many of my dearly beloved are having a hard time with the fingers of winter still pulling their spirits down. Light is coming, and it is there if you look for it, always.

I saw my first snowdrops today. The daffodil shoots are poking up. The tentative edges of spring, coming through, and the promise of a true summer to match our true winter.

Last night was lovely. I don’t get out so much these days, I guess. I was early to Waterloo so rolled into Flavia’s home which is near The Cut so perfectly well placed. It’s always a joy to visit her and we have been friends for long enough that we can see each other out of the blue without having communicated for months. I’m having a clean February so as a last gasp I bought a nice 2020 Amarone from Sainsbury’s and the two of us had enough of it that by the time I got to the Young Vic I was pleasantly lubricated.

The crowd at the Vic was lovely. An old boy’s network type affair, but fewer potatoes than the last one I went to. Turns out that people who go into the arts often end up with perspective on things. I enjoyed it, and by cleaving to my old friend I managed to leave early and get home before I was drunk.

Now I’m in bed with a hot toddy after another long admin day. It’s slow going. I’m awful at it. Bed is looking tempting and I’m gonna live the dream. I finally got around to watching something a little bit like cricket highlights from the India test the other day. The BBC have lost it, which is a great shame. No test match special on the radio. That kept me company on many a long solo drive in summer. It’s all change these days.

February tomorrow and I’m fully expecting the world to immediately feel a little bit brighter and a little bit warmer. I might be grumpy for the first three days as I’m going to be annoyed with myself for being strict, but after that I will probably be full of beans. Hopefully see some of you in the light of Imbolc.

I’m sitting in a Pret in Waterloo gingerly drinking Chai Latte through numb lips. I’ve got a suit on and a leather jacket over it. The suit was for the tape in the morning, the jacket for pragmatism. I can’t find my overcoat (!) I got an unexpected lift into town and didn’t really think about the fact I’d end up going out dressed like this. Once again I’m accidentally doing something that I’ll have to sell as a deliberate style choice, like with last summer when I basically wore my sunglasses all day and long into the evening for the simple reason that I didn’t want to pay for contact lenses. Leather jacket and suit goes well. Walking boots and trilby accessorise it perfectly.

The lips are numb from root canal funtime.

That’s one tooth finished but oh God there’s still so much work to be done. It’s good that the acting seems to be in flow again, as the other lovely weird day jobs seem to have fallen off. Keep building like this and see if it is finally time to quit the day job, that’s the hope. Not that I’m capable of quitting the many day jobs unless I’m forced. The ADHD makes me need my constant external focus so I don’t start wanting to obliterate myself again instead.

I’ll go see my friend Flavia once the anesthetic has worn off, and then there’s some sort of networking event at The Young Vic in a few hours and I’m making myself attend. It’ll only take me seriously if I take IT seriously, this absurd game I’m playing with my life. And damn but I enjoy it.

Tape went well this morning, although I woke up with red eyes and had to leave it right up until the last second to get the scene down. Tom was awake so I roped him in as cameraman. We had to rush it but I managed not to let that energy inform the work. I edited my friend’s voice on Twisted Wave and played it through my iPad. I’m happy with the result. I have… a feeling about it.

Dawn light was bollocks though. I had to set up a lamp. Enough with the grey already!

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What a joyous evening. Loads of people in the arts from my old school, shooting shit. I only met one though and it turns out he’s in The Archers. I’ve probably heard him a hundred times. I hate networking, but I guess it’s part of everything. I think I was the only person without a business card.

Lovely rehearsal up in North London and it turns out someone I’m friendly with is part of the reason this thing is being made. He’s so well cast in the part. I got excited about the fact we will be in a scene together even though I’m probably bottom of the billing and he’s the top. I messaged his mum. She didn’t know about it. “Oh he never tells me what he’s doing, he just told me he was in town.” Now I’m thinking I’ve exploded some sort of NDA. Chances are it’ll be fine. I didn’t have to sign anything and the driver this morning was perfectly happy to tell me he was attached.

I met the director today and immediately liked him. I was cast from a tape sent from Jersey, so this was a first meeting. Brave new world. My on screen wife is an Irish stand-up comedian and seems brilliant. We immediately found rhythm.

There are a lot of people from the comedy scene right now involved in this movie, and actually it all looks very starry… My character could have just had a description, but he ended up with a name. I’m happy to have met the team, happy to be part of it all. I cut my teeth on a UK feature, so it is a familiar idiom. The fact I know one of the leads will likely add to my relaxation. It’s not a big part, but work breeds work etc. Just show up and don’t be a cunt. What’s the old advice? : “learn your lines and don’t bump into the furniture”. That’s about it really. Having done this for a few decades now I can testify to the legions of actors who either fail A and look remembery, and hold up the shoot by being a bit lost, or fail B and are just so nervous they’re clumsy.

Now I’m home and I’ve set up the living room for a morning tape. I’ve got to lodge a lawyer thing with my agent by 9 tomorrow so I’m gonna get up at 6 and start work. I’ve selected clothes and lined up and phone holder already. Put drapes over interesting things behind me and taken the picture of my mum down. I’ve lined it up to face the dawn light. Now I’m gonna edit my friends voice clips to make it all work to my timings. Dawn will see me attempting to make it sexy while Tom tries to sleep on the sofa.

Back on the rollercoaster. For how long?

Hello. I’m writing to you from a hot bath on a Sunday night. I went to the Old Bull and Bush in Hampstead, where we once started the walk, because it honestly does one of the best Sunday roasts in London. Not cheap but generous. Two of us had a great big roast – I had a trio of beef pork and chicken. We had pudding and a bottle of Mouton Cadet. Got out for less than a ton. Job done.

I got my friend to record into my iPad so I can edit it in Twisted Wave tomorrow and act to a track. Then I can take the time it needs. I’ll tape myself after rehearsal for a gig I taped for in Jersey and got. My car picks me up tomorrow just before eleven. I love how they sometimes take the time to rehearse for film. Makes it a much more comfy shoot. It’s a really interesting team I’ve got involved with but as ever I dunno if I’m allowed to talk about it and I always err on the side of caution. No point breaking an NDA before you’ve signed it.

I am coming round to self tape auditions. I used to find them stressful but now I think of them as part of my job, and an opportunity to be more mobile knowing I won’t have to drop all my plans and teleport to Soho at a moments notice. I’ve flown back from holidays in the past.

The admin hole is still yawning open in front of me, but with Brian’s advice and perspective I’m a little less freaked out. Things will be fine I’m sure. I just have to put in the work. I’ll learn lines, carry heavy stuff, drive for days. Filling in forms is important too… Maybe that’s the next step on my learning journey.

I’m gonna firebreak February, so no booze and just pull out the addictions. Looking forward to remembering how to cope without crutches. It might last longer than Feb but I’ve traditionally done it in Feb as everyone does it in January and I’m contrary. Plus it is shorter.

It is steamy here. I don’t normally write in the bath. I’m terrified I’ll drop my phone. Gonna sluice and sleep…

Brian and I sat in the cold dark world and nested. In the morning I had been earning my crust at Imperial, and then come afternoon I got home, cooked pie and languished.

I had lines to learn so was slightly distracted. In the background, John Wick was playing. Number three to be precise. Keanu is eminently likeable even in this ultraviolent part. You can imagine the writers meetings: “What hasn’t he killed someone with?” We thought we would watch three to try and remember what had actually been happening, as the films all attach to each other. It’s a comic book escalation from someone killing his dog and it makes me chuckle.

Looking forward to tomorrow and seeing a friend for this self tape. It’s one of those ones when you read it and think “ooh I’d do well in that part,” so with luck there’ll be some traction. Things have been landing recently, despite the cold.

But nesting and learning lines and watching silly movies… It’s been fun. We had pizza. I haven’t got the lines yet but I will in time, and sometimes hibernation is the answer. We paid someone to bring us pizza. Now I’m in bed with the blanket on feeling sniffly. Weekend all day tomorrow and no more silly weekend exams at crack of dawn. And the brighter season is just around the corner now. Bridget will be stirring in February… pushing up shoots. Happy warm times. I can’t wait. Just need to get this part first…

A quick look on Google Maps tells me that it would take me just over three days to drive to Dubai. Lou is out there and it really isn’t her kind of place. Not mine either by the sound of it. Hubris personified. I like it much more when people integrate with nature rather than trying to supercede it. There’s nothing natural anywhere near that place that hasn’t been brought there and then manicured to within an inch of its life. Apart from the insects. They are out eating the rich and poor alike, indiscriminate.

It would be quite a drive. Through Belgium, Germany, Austria, Hungary and Serbia, then through Bulgaria to finally get to the coast in Turkey. Skirting the north of Syria then South through Mosul and past Baghdad until the speed cameras seem to return around Kuwait and Bahrain as you come down the isthmus to the UAE. “What the hell are you doing driving here from the UK sir?” “I’m visiting my girlfriend.”

Twelve days of driving at just 6 hours a day so there is time to look at the places. I’d do it if I had to or if I was paid to, but obviously not just for a jolly. Nice to look at it though. I’m still envious of Lou as there is loads of world still to see and the particularly varied Extreme E work seems to have dried up for now, more’s the pity.

I’m back on the invigilating train momentarily. Best remember to invoice. They still owe me from some training in November. My admin white out has been all encompassing. I could organise a drive to Dubai and back with accommodation and routes and boats etc and have it done in an hour or so. I can’t seem to do my tax or send an invoice.

Lou will be back in two days. I’ll probably see her early Feb. And if things go according to plan there will be hot springs in Hungary.

Burns Night, and a casual invitation to Frank to pop over snowballed into me buying half a smoked haddock and reminding myself how to cook Cullen Skink while the wee pudding chieftains poached away in the oven. I used to do this one big, Burns Night. Scottish father, love of poetry and whisky. Recent years have pushed it off the list but this new drive to start entertaining people at home again – it is a good thing. Helps build friendships and communities.

Some friends shared some beautiful things. I felt lucky and happy. Also a bit of light in the darkness and as I said yesterday I’ve been finding it hard to remember that the last few days. Admin is always like cold water down my back. I have to find a way to frame it more positively for myself. It leads to good things, and the way I’m looking at my future I will need to start the old funding application train before long. If I freak out at something as simple as tax returns then I’m gonna need a workaround.

Meanwhile this evening a very small group of friends fought off the darkness with poems and songs and a moderate and restrained amount of whisky. Glad we were careful. It is helpful to know that we can be.

Now it is bedtime, ahead of early invigilating tomorrow. Back to the dayjob, and I need to get my payslips in for that as well. I’ll bring in my pad, and should the opportunity present itself in that concentrated room, I will make a list of all the admin things that are backed up so I can work through it by the end of the month.

Tonight though a happy warm sleep with friends either side, Tom and Brian once more, good hearts. For a night we fought the dark and won. And… February is coming.

I’ve been in a funk today. I think I’ll pull out. It’s about admin. I’ve dropped the ball on a few things and they’ve got out of hand and I’m trying to work out how to deal with having had the book thrown at me by mail while I was in Jersey playing Scrooge and having oh such a jolly time. Now everything feels cold and hard and weird and I think I’m going to be taken to court for being awful at admin.

Tomorrow I’ll be getting stuck in properly trying to dig my way out. Even the basic task of sending invoices for expenses and work completed has been out of my reach of late… The cold doesn’t help. I also need to go outside and walk around. Work time. Ach.

Lou is sending me mad videos of Dubai where they seem to be pointedly trying to maintain the false narrative that we can defeat nature and control everything. Fountains and lights and ridiculousness. Huge buildings and so much pollution. It looks like a very odd place. I’m not sure it would be my jam over there, frankly. But more and more there’s theatre and culture being brought over. I might end up there before too long and I’m sure I’ll find things to like even though the air pollution is off the charts and nature doesn’t exist.

Early bed if I can. Snoozetime after a good read. I am already feeling a bit sick about all the things I’m going to try to work out tomorrow. I’ve never had a court summons before. Very odd.

I’m surrounded by friends at home as well. It’s not like I’m isolated. Tom is on the sofa, Brian is next door. I’m just freaking out. Things will look easier in the morning and I just need to break it down into manageable chunks.

One of the compound words that surely needs to be murdered horribly is “Bloganuary”. WordPress, aka Jetpack, is trumpeting that mess of language at me right now. Absolutely vile. They are too expensive anyway for what I’m doing with them. They seem to think that blogs are a way of coining it.

I still have ads switched off. Fuck that. I’m not here to make money. It is disgusting that the model looks at that. Why do you think so much content online these days is an advert every second.

You would never believe what this blogger told us!

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A blogger who didn’t even THINK he was a blogger learnt a thing.

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The thing he learnt would change EVERYTHING.

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Al Barclay is an actor and blogger based in London.

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He has a face. His face has features.

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When he speaks, words come out of his mouth, but when he writes they don’t, they just become visible online via HTML.

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When he dies, all his writing will vanish because it is with wordpress and there’s a Paywall.

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WordPress suck. He can’t even have a plugin unless he pays almost double for something that really should be free.

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Capitalism sucks.

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Buy this thing.

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I’m gonna have to get better at digital. I still own Albarclay.com. I just have to work out how to export it all and be free of wordpress. All my clever website friends won’t help. Fuck it.