A lovely morning filming. I was auditioning early afternoon and hadn’t had time to prep for anything, which was disconcerting, but still managed to keep my head on what we were doing. It all went by in a flash to be honest but I think we got some good bits. I was knackered but had to rush across town. In person auditions are like gold dust, and this was five of us at the same time. All strangers apart from one friendly face from The Factory. Into a room for chemistry reading. I panicked. They were all panicking too. Auditions are horrible when you want it cus you have to fight the tendency to try and show everything in a short space of time and thereby show nothing. Ooh it was full on and I left absolutely shot to pieces with sour adrenaline.
Drove across London to get some tape for Lou. Ordered a dirty chai in a hipster joint. Drove to Clara’s to have a look at it – that’s a restaurant deli I was involved with building. It looks fab. I was gonna have lunch there with Lou on Saturday but they cancelled us.
Drove home. Then bounced out pretty much straight away to see Mike at The Chelsea Arts Club. It is crowded in there still. Lively. And at my age it is always nice to feel you’re bringing the average age down. I was on the non alcoholic beer and didn’t last long. I’ve got very drunk in there before – I usually do. I got fidgety being there post audition. Wanted very much to get some liquid forgetty juice. But I can’t be in avoidance right now, have had too many setbacks this year, I have to point forward and fire myself into life.
Mike and I mulled over some ideas around the things we like to do and the need to make money. I got him a pint and thought about my mum’s old actor mate Jack Hedley who took me to the Arts Club as a teenager to try and talk me out of it all. “It’s a hard life,” he told me. And it doesn’t get any easier. The estate agents I was at school with could buy me with their tax bill.
Home now. Saw an article posted by Captain Shouty #235574 on my social media. This particular Captain Shouty really doesn’t like people who don’t look like him. The article he shared was framed with a disparaging comment about “the ‘be kind’ brigade”. This is where we are now, where small minded hateful rhetoric has been so mainstreamed that people who think that perhaps we shouldn’t be horrible are dismissed like that. I honestly don’t know how we are gonna get out of this, where kindness is openly framed as contemptible. I think we might just generally be doomed. So hey, lets make art and BE the BE KIND Brigade and keep it up as they tear us apart because they’re scared of those pesky things they’ve made up, or that all other people are secretly as selfish and rapacious as they are.
Maybe a hot bath.
AlBarclay 