Bad news

The only option is to step into the light.

After a lovely weekend I got back home to news that I could never have predicted. This beautiful little movie I was high billed in, this movie with a major director… He’s decided it works better as a two hander and he’s reshot some scenes to make it work that way. It means that people a lot better known than I am would have received the same letter. We aren’t in it anymore. I can still have it on my CV, and maybe I’ll be in the credits when they roll, but in terms of the cry towards external validation, once again I’m back to the drawing board. I made the mistake of getting excited about this one and I told too many people. This shit is dark. I have been fuelled by optimism and blind wide happy hope for decades now and sometimes I think I’ve weathered everything this industry can throw at me. I half believe that this one is a very involved bad dream. I didn’t think it was possible the whole storyline would get the heave ho. But…

So I have to step into the light again again again.

I was involved with a very beautiful thing, which will continue to be very beautiful even without my face and voice. It will be moving and powerful and funny, and it is in the hands of two wonderful actors, one of them a Guildhall graduate, one of them a knight of the realm. The movie will stand tall I’m sure. But “I was in that, they cut the whole storyline” doesn’t hold the same punch as “I saw you in that thing by that person, it was great.”

For me, forever, it’s about access to the jobs. I couldn’t give a fuck about being recognised, but if it helps me get the chance to do the thing I’m here to do then great. I’m running blind into closed doors repeatedly. I’ll keep doing it. Some of them might have been ajar if that movie had gone how I wanted it to. But it didn’t. So it’s back to the drawing board. It mustn’t go for nothing this time. When my whole storyline was cut from the Luc Besson movie my mental health took a plunge. I’m much healthier now and my perspective is better on how it all works. Most actors have at least one story like this. It’s Hollywood, baby. Another bit of footage I wish I could have on my showreel. Another disappointment.

So I’m really gonna try and punch forward now, smash those doors, get that work, stay bright, stay healthy. It tastes like sawdust but it was done well, the let down. The director handwrote me a letter, and put in a photo of himself dedicated with “feel free to rip this to shreds”. I knew from him before I knew from my agent. We worked well together so … who knows, there might be another role down the line. Meantime I’m gonna find the light just as soon as I’ve stopped randomly crying every few minutes.

Arse. Fuck. Fuckedy fuck. Bugger. Fuckytitbags. Arseshit bum bum poo.

It’s summer. August has always been a lucky month for me. The tide comes in, the tide goes out. I think I’ll be okay but Jesus fucking Christ not again. We are done with this now.