Month: April 2025

So sleepy and it is barely half nine. But my rhythm is much more aligned with nature here. I’ve only been in the woods for a few days but there’s power here. And when it gets dark and quiet it means it.

The cats scratch and jump about at night, but outside of that slightly comforting distraction it is dead quiet here.

I went for fish and chips for dinner. Just down the road to the local chippy, two busy Poles, loads of people waiting. All wrapped up in paper and dripping with grease. Salt and vinegar all over the place and a shop next door where I bought a bottle of ketchup. I drove back chanting nam myo ho renge kyo, shoved the fish into my gullet and got online in time for my study meeting. We are learning facts in order to take Grade 1 in the study materials applied by the Soka Gakkai, a lay Buddhism that either clarifies the teachings of the Shakyamuni through the lens of Nichiren Daishonin, or oversimplifies everything by reducing it all to one sutra and then even further, to the opening line of that sutra, and then even further, to encouraging practitioners to chant the opening line of that sutra on repeat in Japaneseish Sanskrit expressed in kanji and then rendered phonetically.

It’s wilful and I love it. This is the mystic law. Screw the priesthood, let’s all try and achieve Buddhahood in this lifetime, let’s all be the bodhisattvas of the earth. It’s a mildly evangelical structure, as they seek what they call “kosen rufu”, which is Chinese kanji loosely adopted into Japanese as “spread about widely”. It’s probably more widely practiced outside of Japan as a result. I’ve got a scroll in my flat and I can be found in front of it often. I’m picking it back up again these days but it has always been important.

And I’ve been looking at suitcases full of clothes today as well as entertaining the cats. Seems I’ve got lots of army fatigues in here, and some seventies stuff. Siwan and I are gonna get together on Monday and sort this shit out along with all the other stuff and start to work out how to activate it so it doesn’t just live in bags until we die.

For tonight though it’s all back in the bags, I haven’t the means to photograph it well here, I’m gonna make that next week’s work. And I’m going to bed early again and it’s gonna be great. I was up with dawn today, the sun is down now, it’s bedtime. I’ve done enough.

Carlos is next door this time. I might actually get the bed to myself tonight…. Miracles.

Here I am, still in the woods surrounded by cats as is the rules. They are psychopomps, cats. It’s hard to deny it when you frequently dream lucidly. When my dream has been hijacked I’ve often been woken from it almost immediately with a paw in the mouth, or a “MWRAK” in the face. I love that I’ve met so many cats in the last few years. These guys are representing for the team.

Rajah is the hunter, closer to a wild cat so long as there’s a soft place to stay and guaranteed fish in the morning. Carlos is more vocal, more oriented to people. Wherever I am on the bed he is burrowed next to me all night as I sleep, sharing warmth and dreams.

I’ve taken this downtime to try and upskill myself. There’s a feeling I’ve got that if I can edit videos and make them proficiently enough they might start to help fund my crazy excursions. There are lots of walks I want to do, I like the things I like so my take on things would be through the prism of what I like. I’m sure it’ll eventually involve cars, but walking, nature and food, and my first video has a focus on food.

I went to a local restaurant, Upstairs at the Tillingham. It sustainably sources the menu and avoids waste – it’s like they were trying to do at Birch with all that fennell – and they have been making wine on site (strong wine). They have vineyards. Climate change is kinda working to their advantage, but it’ll be a while before they have good red. Brilliant service throughout and really really good food. I had too much to drink.

They priced food according to difficulty, and just the fact they made potato skins into a feature makes them heroes. I went there just with the intention of making a tester video and having a lovely meal. I hadn’t even checked the menu and prices beforehand. I spent a bit, but it was worth it. And I made a video. I then put the video out on an obscure YouTube channel that I’ve never used before. It’s connected to a load of gaming related stuff I never really followed through on since lockdown. I’m still very cagey about putting personal things online, despite this blog, believe it or not. I know what the comments section can turn into, and I tend to have opinions on things so care is needed.

This was about learning. How could I have made this easier for myself in the edit? Wipes, movements, opportunities to cut away and cut back, I’ll need to improve my techniques but this is early days. I’m happy enough with it as a proof of concept as it gives me things to work on. I’ve credited the hardware and software I’m using in the description, but in this instance the bulk of it is recorded through a pair of RayBan Meta Sunglasses that I impulsively bought a few months ago and have been using a lot as a hands free kit and as speakers. They are an incredible piece of tech, basically a go-pro with microphone on your face. They even have all sorts of Babel fish like live translation functionality but I won’t be able to switch that on unless I go to America. Even without that they’re good. I’ve always been an adopter. I was a huge fan of Douglas Adams, adapted Hitchhiker’s Guide for stage at school, mentioned it to Stephen Fry… My best mate from school is an engineer. The boundaries of tech have constantly excited me. Even AI. How can we USE it? Resistance is futile.

Plus they suit me okay so I don’t look out of place in them. They’ll be brilliant when I walk Shikoku. But I’ll need to get quicker at editing, and be efficient about clearing space in my phone.

I want to get good at the tech so I can go into nature and do analogue things and demystify those things for people who might otherwise block themselves from ever trying to do them. If that involves recording myself having an expensive meal and getting pissed, I’ll take one for the team, baby.

I edited it to be less than twenty minutes. Mostly I tried to make the cuts not too jumpy but there are lessons I needed in the filming. Why is the camera cycling like that sometimes? I even show how it stops happening – I think it might be a focus thing that’s needed. Lessons lessons. It’s a whole world out there.

Here’s the link. Tread softly…

Sunday Sunday. In the woods.

I mostly sat outside reading today. If I think about global politics I just get frustrated so I’m trying to just get into my creative headspace. Joseph Campbell is not necessarily the best coping mechanism, as he is looking at the ways in which stories are hardwired into us, and the things that are annoying me the most right now are the easy stories being constructed or augmented by friends of mine who have evolved the pattern matching we need to escape predators, but not the critical thinking we need to escape manipulators. The algorithm is serving me so much wilful rubbish that I’m getting a skewed perspective. I’m constantly astonished that people can delude themselves into all the anti-science/anti-community over time stuff. As a result I’m fed it by the internet, trying to coax me into posting something snarky.

I went to Jempsons yesterday and bought up loads of hearty food so I could just stay here today and know that everything was in hand. I’ve eaten really well and just hung out with the cats again. I took my DJI Neo drone out today, and messed around a bit working out what is possible easily. It doesn’t go very high, which surprises me. You can get perspective with it, sure, and once I’ve got used to it I’ll be able to make it all work nicely without crashing it. It’s a starter piece of kit. I’m not going on any walks in the near future, but I want to have a straight line between shooting with it and editing the footage before I do, so I’ll likely be messing around with it whenever possible. I’ve even upgraded the memory on my phone, just as I was constantly running out of space whenever I tried to do anything. Video editing was never gonna happen. Now perhaps I’ll be able to get some stuff done. Not that I’m doing anything interesting right now. But practice makes perfect. Maybe I’ll record myself doing something mundane and then shout-narrate it in the most annoying voice I can muster so it sounds like all the rest of the stuff out there. Say a few earnest things. Try and work out how to make the soundscape consistent. There’s a lot of noise. I’ve always liked going towards noise. And the comforting thing is that most of the stuff out there is objectively terrible so there’s no performance anxiety.

But I quickly got bored of tech and decided to just chill with the animals and the sun. Birds have started coming to the fatballs I brought yesterday. The cats are communicative and friendly. I had a momentary issue when the neighbour’s dog got in and wolfed Rajah’s bowl of dry food. But largely I’ve been on my own with a book in the sun. It doesn’t get cold until late evening, the garden gets great light. I’m calm, and there’s a whole week left here. mmm

Sun.

I had to keep reminding myself not to do anything.

My car is full of clothes to be sorted. I left them there.

I’ve got a drone I want to practice with. I didn’t fly it.

I did a tiny bit of admin around all the events we’ve been pitching for. I’ve been really struggling to make sense of how to pitch for some of this stuff as I can’t make it too expensive but I also need to pay myself and other practitioners what we are worth. I’ve been asked for an hourly breakdown by one person and that’s kinda absurd, cos do we include the years spent learning the craft? Sure they can get JoFucktor for tuppence and the client will feel it. Or they can get people with chops who will make the event better. And I’m almost done giving a crap helping them choose.

But that noise was the only noise in my head today really. I mostly just chilled out.

At about 11am I drove to Jempson’s in order to get fatballs for the birds. I was sitting in the garden beforehand and realised there was nothing for them to eat despite tables being out. Sure there are two cats here and one of them kills things efficiently, so a bird table is avian Squid Game. But I like seeing them flutter around. I reckon the cats usually can’t get them in time. I’ve seen plenty of dead rodents, no dead birds. I’m gonna keep putting food and water out. Carlos is too old, Rajah is mostly used to ground-runners.

I’ve had such a relaxed day.

Last night Carlos made sure at least two thirds of the bed were his. I slept fine but occasionally got pawed if I strayed. Tonight I’ll encroach a bit, take up more bed, push to half. Better to move slower with cats, I feel. If they hate you then it’s war. If it’s gradual they don’t even notice they’ve lost territory. I’m here long enough to be slow. I’ve just shuffled around today, here in the silent woods. Nobody comes down the potholed track once darkness falls. It is just me and the cats in this bungalow and you can hear your tinnitus.

I’m locking up and getting into my bit of the bed. It’s not even ten yet. I’m fine with this. More sun tomorrow. I mostly sat in the garden with my shirt off today reading The Masks of God. Life is good.

I’m hanging with two boy cats in the woods. I’ll have an early bed tonight and then it’s a good week here. This house was bought on a footprint of an old gamekeeper’s cottage in the woods. It is silent silent silent. Just a bungalow, but plenty of rooms. Two cats.

Carlos is lying on me. Rajah takes his time, he’s gone out hunting, he’ll be back when he fancies, he might bring me a present. First night last time he got me a shrew. That was midwinter and I was mostly in front of a roaring fire, or buying logs. Now it’s Spring, the flowers are up, blossom on the trees. Rajah will likely murder something for me. I’m hoping it doesn’t work out for him but I know he likes to assert himself first night. 

I’ve got tuna bits for him. I’ll be barefoot and I’ve stepped on a mouse before while barefoot. It’s a form of cat love that I’ve always been happy to put aside. I tread lightly now thanks to Wendy Allnutt. Pre-Guildhall Al probably would have put full weight on the mouse. As it was it was just a brief strangeness.

Which reminds me. Threads that need tying… I was in Stratford the other night. I taught a workshop. I thought it was a Shakespeare workshop, but literally nobody knew anything whatsoever about Shakespeare including the teacher, it was almost terrifying how clueless they were, like we had teleported into a dimension where Christopher Marlowe was the big guy and Shakespeare was as well known as Webster. It was excruciating but I managed to go to The Dirty Duck after. They still have their “hilarious” dogs mixed with the actors thing, but they’ve actually done a good thing and put back Colin McCormack’s picture. I’m friends with his widow, Wendy aforementioned. She taught me to be aware of my body. I often see alignment in her view of me and Lou’s. I’ll have to get them in the same room at some point, they’ll forensically take me to pieces. Wendy even came to an understanding of my pronated hips that nobody else has ever followed. I had some idiot chiropractor called Arthur twice try and tell me my pronation is purely intellectual. Absolute fuckybums, but he loves to dismiss things like that. He did it first in The Dirty Duck – he doubles as an actor. I then went to him on recommendation pre Camino and he did the same half hearted assessment and reached the same conclusion and I remembered he was that idiot and regretted my decision giving him money. My body works strange but it works and I’ve spent my life pushing away from my intellect, seriously, that’s all I do.

You want me to walk with straight legs though we will be there until Doomsday coz sockets and apparently according to an x-ray I was dropped as a baby and my lower spine has a vertebra that is entirely rotated but healed. I was lucky. 

Wendy took about two years of close observation and work before she quietly came to the conclusion that it was my body loose but following different tracks from “normal” bodies. Even then I only got wind of it when she got me doing legswings and whispered to an apprentice “You see, some people’s bodies are just different.” She never gave me the get out, but I know it to be so. “Walk forward into the camera,” said some well known casting director twenty years ago with the camera on my legs, and how am I gonna tell them I’ve got the cowboy roll? They never called me in again cos my hips aren’t straight. Fucker, but you just have to keep rolling. Literally in the case of my hips.

I remember Colin Mcormack very fondly though, and I’m glad he’s back in the duck. He was an actor after my own heart as far as I could feel it, a team player, good at tofkhe classics, mischievous. He married my movement teacher before I was born. Wendy and I pushed hard for that picture going back up when I was up in Stratford with Othello. So yeah, the picture I was trying to get put up in The Dirty Duck, I got it back. Happy about that. Thread tied.

Also the local crows aren’t dead. They are just pissed off with the construction so they are nesting at the other side of the block. Means I don’t see them so often and I haven’t yet won their favour enough to be able to recruit them to my crow army. Tied.

There might be other threads needing tying up, but that’s life. I can’t remember what I’ve written here half the time, I’m just enjoying life, attempting to stay in the struggle, astonished at how hard it is to even get a meeting, believing, experiencing, golden, catfriending.

God though I still have this knife in me where I have to be working as an actor, I need a theatre job… I’ve never been in the room for any theatre you’ve actually heard of. It’s straight offer or no meeting… Weird but that’s how it has been. Might be nice to have the meetings at last. I fancy a bit of theatre, something beefy to think about, the live experience. I love the splinter of film as well, could totally get behind a consistent role on film or TV… I think I’m just … craving a creative journey. Othello was such a treat, the company really bonded, I was so happy. I miss them.

A week in the woods first. Downtime and cats. Winning.

Oh I’m so sleepy. Dawn was like a huge red planet coming up in my face as I hit the road back home. A lovely night in Stratford but there was invigilation to be done. I had to be back at Imperial for half eight, so taking in the need to get coffee at least once on the drive home I reckon I was easily on the road by half five. We aren’t far enough into spring yet for that to be morning, the dawn broke as I was pulling a terrible latte out of the Starbucks machine at Warwick. It remained impressive most of the way home even if I was barely in a state that could appreciate it.

125 people in the great hall, on paper, loads of us. I wasn’t even leading, could leave that to Andy. Happy easy work, keeping it ticking over, helping the next generation of business tycoon to tick the boxes that will open the doors. We were finished by half twelve. I went and sat in the Physic Garden after work and brought myself back into the room.

Crowded there though. Tour groups and so forth and I wasn’t feeling the people thing. I was only there to look at trees but all the trees were oversubscribed so I went home. Brian on a conference call and Maria complaining about the fact that washing machine was on so I turned around and left, sat in my car for an hour with the door open.

It’s here. The long range weather forecast allows me to be happy. I’m off to the woods and they will be springtime woods. I’ll have to pack in the morning and I’m not sure what I’m gonna need but perhaps it is summer clothes? Maybe I’ll throw in my block print summer shirt from Lou. I think we might finally have crossed into light. Oh calloocallay

Right now though I’m exhausted. Went to Kutir, had the wine pairing, spent the evening with a dear old friend, we are still standing, actually getting some traction now, fitting who we are. An incredible meal, not too heavy. Spice, fish, taste and delight. Just enough. I’m done with awake for today. Sheets are clean, world ain’t cold, life is… good? Yeah I think so. I’m definitely enjoying it.

I’m sitting in The Dirty Duck, on my own. Just went and saw Edward II. They gave me a local discount last minute which is nice, so it was £25. It’s not a cheerful play. Dan Evans is great, he’s still a cracking actor despite all the admin he’s had to accommodate. I could key into it, but it’s such a hard play to watch. Shakespeare at least gives us jokes. Marlowe gives us poetry. The language and verse is always so deep, so complete. It’s wonderful, but…

We made our audience sit for three hours with Othello, so 1h40 straight through is a blessing. What we lose is the journey. What we gain is half of our evening. This dense and obscure play maybe doesn’t warrant 3 hours of our attention in the modern world, but perhaps it was sliced so much that some of the prominent characters felt a bit like they were just actors shouting. It was hard to really feel where all that stuff was coming from with some of the lords. I loved it anyway. I’ve got friends who overreact to everything. It tracks.

I’m a bit put out though, as I’ve been excited for ages about an usher I met up here who happened to have tickets to 4.48 Psychosis in June. She couldn’t use them and offered them to me. I was astonished and thrilled, and I never made her send them to me as I kept thinking I didn’t want to bother her too much as it was such a great opportunity. I messaged her tonight to say I was in town, partly hoping I would have the chance to get the tickets. She randomly decided to return them to box office, where they would have been snatched up immediately. I’m upset. I wanted to catch it when I was at Guildhall third year. Dan Evans is an alumni. At wanted to support him but tickets were strangled to the rich. Suddenly there was a chance to see it without breaking the bank, and to see it on this incredible replay of the original, with the same cast but up here in Stratford at 4:48am on the day it was written. A huge ticket to have been offered randomly. And it’s a lesson not to get swept up with people you meet in the pub. She seemed legit. I don’t get why she returned them to box office. I smell a fish.

I’ve told her I’m here in the duck. I am so disappointed it’ll be hard to make conversation. But fuck it, she might be lying to me. I’m happy to buy one if she thinks they have resale value. But I kept offering to pay for them when I first met her, and she just insisted that she was happy they were going to a good place.

We shall see. I’ll wander round and see if she’s here. If not I’m going to bed at Georgies and I’ll be out by 6 to make sure I’m back at Imperial for my invigilating tomorrow. What a bollocks but it’s important. They help pay my bills.

Everything but my contract filled in. I made a CV on Word. “When I actually look at it, I’ve had a hell of a career so far,” I notice. Nothing you’ve done is ever aspirational, but if I teleported into 27 year old me I’d be pretty impressed. I’d also wrongly assume that that guy must never stop working. Phone gonna be ringing off dat hook for him eh? Big old dude he be making dat acting thing work nah! Never looking back our boy he be workpocalypse forever never stopping our boy hooah.

I invigilated two exams today. At lunch I had carbonara from the market at Imperial. Mel was at home to receive a special delivery that didn’t bother delivering. Honestly, sending stuff signed for when you need to know it gets there – it’s the best way to make sure it doesn’t get there. I reckon he was in my block, got in downstairs, came to the door. Neither bell works so Mel didn’t know. He gave up and instead of leaving his packet of paper where I could get it be took it back to the depot as it needed a signature. Fucking idiotic.

I’m off to bed now as I’ll be driving to Stratford first thing and starting a new venture, delivering Shakespeare workshops to the same age group I’m normally having to gee up about The National Grid etc. I often have to teach presentation skills to school groups so they can tell the room about how they’re gonna build a nuclear fusion generator. Now I’m gonna actually teach something I really fucking understand and love. Getting a new generation into Shakespeare. There’s less money in it than engineering, but it is just as interesting and deep, just in a very different way.

Time goes slow when you’re at Imperial in those exam rooms. Huge rooms, often. Ten percent of them go to the loo at least once in two hours. The core team is tighter now, I haven’t seen so many potatoes as there used to be. I enjoy the work, to be honest. It is very temporary, it involves being chilled and responsive, and dealing with people from all over the world. These are smart young people, the globally smartest young business people. I enjoy facilitating them. One of them might change the world. Many of the rest will try.

Early bed for me, I’m a little apprehensive but it’s only a two hour workshop. One and a half hours with warm-up. Even with no handouts, so long as I don’t get ahead of myself, I’ve got enough material that I can just pull out of my arse to keep it inspired for just an hour and a half. I just wonder if I can find 27 tennis balls before I get there.

I’m a gov approved expert on how to prevent terrorism now, it seems. I’ve been filling in forms. It’s about last minute cover for something absolutely bread and butter. In order for me to join this company I need to be better at admin than I am.

I’m gonna do the best I can.

Today was varied. The Globe historically threw a load of costumes out. There’s not enough room to keep these things. My friend Jon lived locally, saw the bin, knew what he was looking at, took it all home. I’ve worn things from that haul many times. It was the basis for a strong pitch.

They did a thing much like Glyndebourne did where they wanted to disseminate costumes they could no longer store. I’ve been at The Swan for long enough now that I can ask to be included, and they did a brilliant thing where everyone who was interested on Facebook got to cherry pick, and then I got to take the bulk.

There’s all sorts. It’s three Bergmans worth of costume. I’ll need to sort it properly. I’ll need a space. But this has been a long time coming. The costumes we had the other night cost more to rent than they might have cost to make. I’ve got some variety. I’m gonna try and make things work. I’m underplaying until I know what’s there. It’s nothing excellent, the good stuff has all been creamed off, but it is nuts and bolts and actually that’s the stuff you overlook. I didn’t want any of the stuff I’ve ended up with. I have a feeling it’ll end up splatted across the low budget theatre scene, the burlesquers, the humans who are my jamjam. Just as soon as I’ve made sense of what’s there I’m gonna start disseminating it, and I’m pretty happy to facilitate people who are doing weird stuff. I’ve already put so much stuff into the unusual. I’m looking forward to more.

Bed now though. I’ve filled in the forms but then they needed a word doc as a CV. Christ, I’ve never had to do it. I can’t remember things, I’ve been a practitioner for decades but…

Sprite. Factory. Honey Tongue. Roland. AFTLS. There are so many companies that aren’t big noonoo. Then sure the ongoing Collab with Globe, the recent RSC … if I want to be noonooface I can do it. Largely I’m just offering cover for my friend. I’ll try and send the stuff they want in time. I hate it though. Mister Al has splurg in the bumface for urgles and he worked with Ea Nasir, Bottomhead and Splat. It is all just a rearrangement of noise. I know my stuff. I know it deeply. I can transfer it without complication. That’s all you need surely?

Still, after a long day moving costumes I’ve ended up stymied by not having a Cv in word. Got all the rest, even the dbs etc. Just marketing. I could probably make a Cv that was the one cv to rule them all. I’ve had a long existence and only had darkness about one exploitative job on the water staffed by the bodysnatched. I suspect it’ll be fine. I’ll find out. Hopefully will be good to sort stuff out in time.