I was planning on taking in some culture this evening but ended up sinking into myself for various reasons. Partly to do with the weather, partly life. I’ve had to start to learn, very late, that I can and need to draw boundaries occasionally. Problem is, if the boundaries are new they feel willful to people who habitually crossed the line before you started monitoring it. Yesterday I had a difficult chat with someone I’ve had to put at arm’s length. I stupidly invited them to share a show tonight, thinking maybe we could be theatre buddies or something. Turns out not yet, it immediately kicked off a thing where I found myself having to express something I just instinctively know. Problem with instinct is that it doesn’t elocute itself very well.
I’m happy to start drawing boundaries. There are aspects of myself that aren’t helpful and need to be shifted. Growing up is hard. But we all have to do it or we end up Michael Jacksoning our way out of this mad glory. I have a kind of freedom here. I’ve avoided breeders, apart from as friends. Haven’t accidentally made progeny. I can still pretend to be 19, but I don’t want to cos in reality I’m a hoary old oak tree and actually can find more use and satisfaction by stepping into my roots, not pretending I’m still a sapling. There are plenty of good people much older than me, still in the struggle. There are plenty of good people much younger than me struggling too. We can all do it together but we serve ourselves better if we fully accept who we are within it. This involves some hard decisions.
Still enough vagueness. I’m home alone, it’s dark and cold and I’ve stopped playing Baldur’s Gate for about a week now as I was clocking up too many hours and not looking at the things I needed to. Like tax. That’s in for this year.
I’m sure there are bright and optimistic things to talk about but I can’t find them. Maybe I should’ve just used one of the two tickets I bought for the theatre. It’s hard to be cheerful right now.
AlBarclay 