Ok guys so… I bought these expensive sheets from The White Company but I was on the phone to Lou at the time and she was quite rightly telling me they were too expensive so I kinda pretended I hadn’t bought them. But the thing is, I write this daily blog and she’ll read it. I’m gonna be really careful not to spill the beans. I’ll need your help. Let’s all pretend that I didn’t spend £110 on these silky smooth 400 wotsit cotton sheets and duvet covers that I am not about to writhe around on. Ok? We got this, right? “Al didn’t buy the sheets.” That’s your line. Don’t put the emphasis on the word “buy”, it’ll make it clear you’re lying. What else would I have done with them? It makes them into a thing. Avoid “the” as well. That’ll just sound weird, like there’s a separate entity called “sheets” that we all ought to know about. Obviously avoid “Al”. I’m not pretending some mysterious benefactor bought them. Avoid “didn’t” too. An obvious lie. “sheets”… that’s your friend if you really have to emphasise a word. It’s at the end of the line so it must be the most important word. “Al didn’t buy the sheets.”
Those of us who are mostly or all in the second half got an unexpected break suddenly. I thought I’d be rehearsing until ten tonight but no, just until half five. That’s when I got the text saying I didn’t need to come back in. “Excellent news,” I thought. I shall do some spring cleaning and then cook my steak.
I’ve done all the washing up. I’ve put the laundry in, although I have no idea how I might be able to hang it up. And then I went to The White Company and NO NO NO I um then I didn’t buy these incredibly soft embracing sheets that are enveloping my little tootsies as I share this with you. Definitely not. I’m lying on the ordinary plastic sheets I’ve slept on for a week.
These grey things were on the bed when I arrived. They are largely polyester. I’ve slept on them since I arrived in Stratford and this morning I experienced my waking olfactory senses before my visual, my hearing, even my touch. The sheets smelt like an unfamiliar creature, like I was sleeping inside something ‘other’. It wasn’t even a familiar comforting ‘me’ smell. It was pungent. Eloquent. Nuanced. It had a name.
So I ordered some reasonably priced sheets on Amazon. And then I got released from rehearsal early and I didn’t go to The White Company and spend £110 on these lovely sheets for just one night of smell free sleeping.
I’ll put the quilt on them. I’m gonna cook a lovely dinner for myself hours before I thought I would be able to. Then I’ll have a hot scrub. And then I’ll take myself off to my mad dreams in an odour free hug from these brand new sheets I absolutely didn’t blow money on.
Lou is totally right. I could have got sheets from ASDA that were just as good for a fraction of the price. I just needed to be less of a lazy git and drive there.
So I um I bought some White Company sheets on Vinted, right? Yeah that’s what I did, they’re coming tomorrow or something and then that’ll explain why the buttons say White Company.
Oh fuck it.
I spent £110 on these lovely 400 wotsit cotton sheets. I did it. I’m a profligate. And I’ll sleep well tonight. mmmmm
AlBarclay 