My new second hand Champion masturbating juicer has had an effect on my eating habits. Typo, you say? No. I’ve been wanking on about the thing since I bought it. Theres a bit that sticks out and spins. You push things into it. Tasty juice comes out.
Since I bought it I’ve been feeding things through it with no particular programme. Following no recipe. All I had was grapefruits oranges apples carrots ginger root and turmeric root. Different quantities of each, always a good result, although the carrots I bought were on the turn and very quickly went out of the equation.
Last night I was getting home knackered and I was gonna just get a Deliveroo. They are doing £7 off if you spend over £20 and if I put it on my Amex I get a fiver back. But still I would have ended up spending £20. I never used to buy delivery food. I don’t need to, I’m a good cook with whatever the hell is there, so long as I can be bothered. Last night I remembered to be bothered, thankfully. I got cheap ingredients, thanks to the Reduced Gods – ALL HAIL. I mostly learned to cook through the random beneficence of those reduced Gods. There was a period where my local Tesco would probably be selling punnets of mushrooms for 6p if you came after 7pm. My stroganoff, refined over months, is still referenced by various people in my friendship group who thought they didn’t like mushrooms. If life gives you mushrooms…
I just made a glorious dinner for Brian and I and it cost very little. And so we have to exist – even me, your idiot profligate voice, behaving as if there’s no future. Maybe soon the idiots will leave power, but right now I have a feeling the idiots will somehow cede to the fascists. The internet has been encouraging it for so long now, with the Russian troll factories pushing extremist ideologies into the corners of the internet that think they are independent from the hated “mainstream media”. We are fucked in the West. We have been complacent for too long. We are fat piggies ready for nomnoms. It’ll be fifty years before the tanks roll in, but they are coming.
AlBarclay 