The Wolseley Birthday scran

“You won’t get in there with jeans on,” she tells me as I pick her up from Victoria. She’s worrying about a bite on her face. She’s already run up the hill to the station in Brighton with a big bag. Now she’s in the big city and she’s booked me birthday lunch at The Wolseley. That’s next door to The Ritz. Mum used to use The Ritz as a loo whenever we were on Piccadilly and I never thought about what I was wearing back then, but maybe the fact she was always dripping with gold and Hermes silk and I was twelve – that allowed the gatekeepers to overlook any clothing infractions on the part of her spawn. And challenging her would have been too much effort.

I put on some flannels.

We walk there, down the river and then up through Pimlico to Buck House and then through Green Park, but we are early. I’m on the mum-trail now though so “Let’s go to Fortnums” comes easy and next thing we know, Lou and I are surrounded by expensive biscuits. We get off lightly. We buy some house coffee and some chocolate. We get out of there for less than a pony which is winning. Our table awaits.

17:45 is a strange time for dinner but Lou couldn’t get any other so I’ve skipped lunch and I’m starving. I get through the bread in seconds. We share a Leek and Potato Soup and a Salmon and Dill Thing. This menu would be very comfortable in the eighties, so they’ve had time to get it right. Main course is Goulash for me and Bream for Lou. We’re both on the Prix Fixe cos neither of us own an international conglomerate. I’m still off the booze and Lou is never on it, which takes one of the greatest expenses and temptations off the list. I don’t even ask to see the wines in case they make me weep.

They give me a birthday eclair. It’s the only photo I’ve got. It’ll have to do.

Lou is staying over at mine. I’m on an early sleep and wake routine, largely because Boy ramraids my face at dawn every day no matter the dream. A late birthday treat from lovely Lou. A close to tourism as I ever get in my city. A considered meal, just enough and everything done really well. Personality and care from the waiter. Now for my first night without those fecking antibiotics.